| 18 June 2012
The idea for this column came on Saturday during the U.S. Open. It was about 7 p.m. EST, Tiger Woods was wearing a shade of green that could best be described as "blinding," and just as he was following through on his backswing on the third or fourth tee…
…some obnoxious guy screamed out at the top of his lungs “Get In the Hole!!!!!” You know, just like some obnoxious guy does on every hole, at every golf tournament played on tour all season.
And it was at that moment that I realized something: I really, really don’t like “Get In The Hole Guy.” At all. And apparently I’m not alone, since right after I tweeted about it, my timeline filled up, with folks either agreeing with me, and some actually wishing bodily harm against him. That may be a bit a much for me personally, but hey, to each their own, right?
Really though, it got me thinking: Is “Get In The Hole Guy” the most annoying fan in sports? If not, is anyone worse than him?
Well, after taking some time and jotting some notes, as well as soliciting advice on Twitter, I have come up with a list of the folks that I consider to be the 10 most annoying in sports. Your list may be a bit different, and if you think I missed someone, by all means, please feel free to share in the comments section below, or on Twitter @Aaron_Torres.
As a matter of fact, before we get to the list, here are a few submissions from Twitter that just barely missed the cut:
Via @Dworms86: “little league parents” (My take: Instead of Little League parents, let’s go one step further and say “Little League parents who have no concept of how truly awful and un-athletic their kids are.” I hate to break it to you dad-wearing-a-windbreaker-and-tight-bike-shorts, but your kid is 4’9. He’s probably not going to play centerfield for the Yankees.)
Via @MHFaulkner: “I also enjoy the “stat guy”. He watches so much Sportscenter he thinks he’s better than everyone else.” (Again, I’ll take it one step further and go with “Obscure fact guy” the one who needs to let everyone know that the back-up rightfielder also happens to be Nicki Minaj’s third cousin. Dude, no one cares. Shut up and watch the game.)
Via @DrewTheEmployee: "I know what I'm talking about, I played a little college ball" guy (My take: Brilliant, Drew. Simply brilliant)
Via @collegiatestdms: “guy who does play by play for every pitch/play. Worse when done in various bad voices in attempt to sound like real announcers” (My Take: Wait, these people exist? If so, we should put them on a boat and push them out sea without a paddle)
Via @deanbowling: “Depends on your opinion of Spike Lee.” (My Opinion? I was out on Spike Lee the second I saw him wearing a Jeremy Lin Harvard jersey earlier this winter. At that exact moment, I cut him out of my life like a deadbeat uncle.)
Via @MSigs: ” The guy who tries to start the wave during a tight game against your rival in the 4th quarter” (My take: There’s a special place in hell for these folks).
Anyway, enough foreplay, and now it’s time to get to the list.
Here are the 10 Most Annoying Sports Fans In order…
10. The Yankees/Lakers/Cowboys/Notre Dame Football Are My Favorites Teams Guy (via @MHFaulker)
The bane of all truly awful fans, the “Yankees/Lakers/Cowboys/Notre Dame Football Are My Favorite Teams” Guy has no concept that a person’s love of a sports team should come from one of two places: It should either be based on where you grew up, or what your parent’s team affiliations are. For example, if you live in Buffalo, I hate to break it to you, but you’re a Bills fan. If your dad is a Cubs fan, you’re allowed to be one too, regardless of where you live. But what is simply unacceptable is picking and choosing your favorite like you would the freshest fruit at the grocery store. Why even watch sports in the first place?
And you know what the worst part is? Whenever you call the guy out on his extreme front-running tendencies, his response is always the same:
“Dude, that’s just who I grew up rooting for.”
Yeah, ok, except the problem is that we “grew up” in the same neighborhood. We also went to the same elementary school, had slumber parties at each other’s houses and I may have secretly dated your sister for a while without you knowing. That last one isn’t important, but the first few are. We had the same background and “grew up" together, yet you root for teams on every coast and in every corner of the country, most of which, you couldn't even find on a map. Who the heck do you think you’re fooling?
As a matter of fact, let’s make a deal: I’ll give you a pass for being a front-runner as soon as you, ohh, I don’t know, actually make it to a Cowboys game in Dallas. Or a Yankees game in the Bronx. And if you actually go ahead and convert to Catholicism strictly for Notre Dame football (like on Seinfeld when Jerry’s dentist Tim Whatley converted to Judaism for the jokes), I’ll never give you a hard time again.
Until then, get out of my face. I hate your guts.
9. Hey I’m On TV, Let’s Wave At the Camera Guy
A staple of all truly annoying fans since the advent of the cell phone at the turn of the last century, the “Hey I’m on TV, Let’s Wave At the Camera” Guy can’t fathom a world where he’d be so lucky to actually end up on TV! Yeah, except for the fact that he spent $1,500 to sit six rows behind home plate… strictly for the purpose of umm, being on TV. I mean really, what kind of tool sits right behind home plate and then has the nerve to play it off like he's surprised he's actually on TV? Only the worst of the worst, I tell you.
Either way, “Hey I’m On TV, Let’s Wave At the Camera” Guy has been discussed ad nausem by fans for quite some time now, so I don’t really feel the need to expand on him here.
Let’s just say that as long as there are cell phones, they will be jerks like this. And we’ll all hate them.
8. The Body-Painting Adult
I mean seriously, what is there to really say about a human being who is so truly idiotic? Not much, except for what my mom always told me when I did something dumb as a kid: “Boy, what’s wrong with you?” In the case of the guy who paints his whole body, a lot. Including a missing chromosome or two, apparently.
Much like the “Hey I’m on TV” guy, the adult who paints his body is a relatively normal guy in all other walks of life. He works a normal job, goes out to the bar with his bros for happy hour, and in most cases, doesn’t even need to brag about how much he benched at the gym that day. Again, in most cases.
But the second the bright lights come on and arena doors open, well, something changes. Something deep inside the recesses of this guy’s soul make him sit back and think: “You know what? Tonight, cheering isn’t enough. Booing the other team won’t cut it. Nope, instead what I’m going to do is find the nearest arts and crafts store, drop $40 bucks, and put paint all over my body! That’s exactly what the team needs tonight!”
Actually bro, the team doesn’t need that at all. As a matter of fact, it might be best if you just stayed home all together. You’re scaring the children.
Speaking of children, how could we forget…
7. The Child With An Obnoxiously Small Bladder
Look, as a general rule, I like kids. I have nieces and nephews that I adore, and depending on how a few blood tests turn out in the coming weeks, I may even be a father myself in the coming months. But much like bars, strip clubs and most amusement park rides, small children simply have no place at a ball game.
Why’s that? Well, mostly it’s because of their insufferably small bladders. I mean seriously, have you ever taken a kid to a game? Thankfully I haven’t, but if my calculations are right, most kids under the age of about nine years old average 4.7 trips to the bathroom per hour. To which I ask, what the hell are you folks giving them to drink? Motor oil?
Now normally, I wouldn’t care, since I don’t have kids, and am more concerned with the game on the field than what your son's painfully low tolerance for Diet Coke. At the same time, your child does become a problem when they have to get up to use the toilet, which not coincidentally always seems to happen with 19 seconds left in a two point game. Why, small child, why? You can’t hold it for another 19 seconds? Toughen up.
On a different note, why are you at this game in the first place?
6. Bang On The Glass At A Hockey Game Guy
I know that as an entity, hockey plays by its own set of rules. Simply put, I’ll never understand the quirks of the sport; the weird playoff beards, the missing teeth, the complete disregard for normal human hygiene. Stuff like that. Then again, maybe I was never meant to understand hockey. I can live with that.
One thing I can’t live with though is the dopey idea that anytime there’s action along the boards, there’s always some guy who sprints from his fifth row seat, spilling beer all over everyone, in hopes of getting to the glass in time to bang on it like a wild madman, before action resumes elsewhere. Why folks feel the need to do this, I’m not totally sure. But if you’re anywhere past the age of 11, you need to find better ways to enjoy the game.
As a matter of fact hockey fans, I’m curious to know what the end game in all this is? Is it just to try and intimidate the other team, because if so, I’m guessing it probably won’t work. Besides the fact that there’s a six-inch sheet of glass between you and the action, and despite the fact the guys on the ice don’t even notice you, there’s also the fact that these grown, intimidating, hairy men are also... hockey players. You think they’re scared of you?!? Hell, most of them grew up in places like Dead Moose, Alberta, where it was -22 degrees for nine months a year and they had to kill their own food every night for dinner. If you think your 5’9, 178 lb., Eric Lindros jersey-wearing behind is going to scare them, well I’ve got some bad news for you.
5. Anyone Associated With Duke Basketball
I mean, have you actually watched a Duke basketball game?
You have? Well good, we can just move on then.
4. Awful Fake Trade Proposal Guy
Originally I was going to try and limit myself strictly to fans found at the games, matches or on the golf course. Unfortunately, “Awful Fake Trade Proposal Guy,” is so unspeakably annoying that I had to include him on this list.
Now, in a vacuum “Awful Fake Trade Proposal Guy” isn’t so bad. The simple truth is, he’s only annoying because he loves the team…so…darn…much. After all, he’s got four jerseys (home, road, alternate road, and of course, one with his last name on the back), has the team flag on his car, and even named his dog after some obscure player off the 1981 championship team. Granted, he also works at Best Buy for slightly above minimum wage, making it impossible for him to actually go see his team play in person. But deep down, he is a good guy.
As a matter of fact, his biggest problem is again, that he cares too much. That’s also the reason why calls the local sports talk radio show at least once a week with trades that are truly so asinine they make your head hurt. Poor “Awful Fake Trade Proposal Guy” really has no concept of the salary cap, luxury tax, or umm, the value of any of the players on his own team, meaning that according to him, the Lakers can “totally” trade for Dwight Howard, and all it will take is Steve Blake, Josh McRoberts and a first round pick. Or was it Josh McRoberts, Troy Murphy and two second rounders? I can’t remember, but in “Awful Fake Trade Proposal Guy’s” world, every other team in the league is solely in place to help benefit his own.
Unfortunately, reality doesn’t work like that. It’s something “Awful Fake Trade Proposal Guy” will figure out the hard way… when he’s working the night shift at Best Buy tonight.
(Since I am mostly a college sports guy, it only seems appropriate that I include “Awful Fake Trade Proposal” Guy’s college cousin, “I Don’t Care What It Takes, We’ve Got To Get Coach X Guy.”
We all know this guy. He’s the one who “heard” (likely from someone missing at least one front tooth) that Jon Gruden is totally coming to rescue his awful, 2-10, bottom-of-the-barrel ACC program. You see, Gruden wouldn’t normally consider it, but his nephew’s best friend’s older brother plays for the team, and now, it’s only a matter of if and not when Gruden comes in on his white horse to save the program. Yeah, it ain’t happening.
In case you’re wondering, “I Don’t Care What It Takes We’ve Got To Get Coach X” Guy is also the one who heard “rumors” (most likely posted on a message board), that Nick Saban was offered a Godfather, $10 million a year lifetime contract from anonymous school. However, “Coach” (because he’s so close to Saban, a simple acknowledgment of “coach” is all that’s needed) is happy and not going anywhere.
Good to know. Now shut up and go away. Please.)
3. Will You Marry Me Guy
For most of us, going to a tennis match on a nice, summer day is enough. You get to hang out with some friends, eat unhealthy food and ogle a couple cute girls in skirts. What could be better? Not much, I tell ya. Not much.
Well, not for us anyway. But for “Will You Marry Me Guy” it’s a chance for him to show the world just how chivalrous he is … by picking out the cutest female player, waiting for a slight break in the action, and screaming at the top of his lungs “WILL YOU MARRY ME” in front of 15,000 other spectators... 15,000 people who instantaneously come to hate his guts. Good times. Well, except for the poor player on the court, who has little choice but to awkwardly smile, and raise her racquet to acknowledge your dumb ass. As a matter of fact, if somebody wanted to be truly original, they’d go to a match, and instead of asking Maria Sharpova to marry them, they’d ask the short, chubby girl with a mustache from Ukraine to marry them instead. Now that would be funny.
But asking Sharapova? Well, it wasn’t original 10 years ago, and isn’t now either. Please just stop.
2. The Facebook Status Updaterer (And yes, I just made up the word “Updaterer”)
Look, we live in an interconnected world, and I’ll be the first person to admit that when I go to a game, I like throwing up a Twitpic as much as the next guy. Call me old-fashioned in that sense, and if you want to do the same, more power to you. No argument here.
At the same time, there’s a difference between what I and 97 percent of other sports fans do, and what the obnoxious “Facebook Status Updaterer” does. For this person, going to a game isn’t an event, but instead, the event is seeing how many status updates, pictures and comments they can squeeze in before their Smartphone gets overworked and bursts into flames two hours in. Usually the answer is somewhere around 924.
And the saddest part is, we all know these people. They’re the ones changing their Facebook statuses six times in 90 minutes, from something simple like… “Going to the Game!!..... : )” to “Just pulled into the parking lot… Crazy traffic jam LOL!” to “just finding our seats” to… SHUT THE HELL UP!!! NO ONE CARES!
While we’re on the subject, we also don’t need to see 47 pictures from your crappy third deck seats (one will be just fine, thank you very much), we don’t need to see your Four Square updates, we don’t need to see what you pinned on Pinterest, and we definitely don’t need the Twitter update where you casually mention the guy in the hot dog line who “totally looks like Tony Danza.” It wasn’t him, and even if it was, he wouldn’t talk to you anyway.
On a different note, here’s a crazy idea: How about you just watch the game? Is that so hard?
1. Get In The Hole Guy
Ah yes, the guy whose sheer obnoxiousness started the idea for this list… ladies and gentlemen it’s “Get In The Hole Guy!” He’s loud, he’s obnoxious, and he’s coming to a championship course near you!
Seriously, of everyone on this list, I may “get” this guy the least. After all, chances are pretty good that even someone like “Will You Marry Me Guy” is just a dorky 19-year-old college freshman who has likely never even made eye contact with an actual female. But “Get In The Hole Guy?” Man, he’s a white-collar dude from the suburbs, who drives a Subaru and makes inappropriate advances at his secretary. In every other facet of life he’s normal. Just not when the PGA Tour stops in his town.
Nope, when Tiger, Rory and Phil roll into his neighborhood, “Get In The Hole” Guy is a bumbling, stumbling fool. He forgets all social norms, and forgets common logic. You know, simple stuff like the fact that on a 481-yard par four, there’s almost a zero percent chance that a tee shot is umm, actually going to go in the hole. Yet that doesn’t stop him from yelling it at every golfer, in every tee box, every time he’s within 200 feet.
Why? I still don’t know. But it needs to stop.
Because right now, he’s the single most annoying fan in sports.
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