By now most of you have probably heard the news that I recently released my first eBook, titled ‘Aaron Torres Presents: The Year in Sports 2012’ (available for just $4.99 on Amazon, I might add!). But for those of you who have yet to pick up your copy (and shame on you for not doing it yet!!), what a lot of you probably don’t know is that the book actually includes a few articles which I never published here at Aaron Torres Sports.
Well with 2012 officially coming to an end this evening, I’ve decided to publish one this morning, on the “50 Things I’ll Remember About Sports in 2012.”
Now for most you who are familiar with my work, you know that these “50 Things” articles aren’t really actual “articles” so much as they’re just collections of half-baked thoughts, ideas and opinions thrown together, in a hodgepodge of words that somehow comes together into a semi-comprehendible article at the end.
Still, it seemed like an appropriate way to end the year. Sure, some of the jokes are a bit outdated (including a bunch on Bobby Petrino... what do you want from me, I released this book a month ago!) but really, who cares? The year of 2012 had a lot of fun moments, and it only seems appropriate that we relive some of them now... in the goofiest way possible of course.
Here they are: 50 Things I’ll Remember About Sports in 2012.
And as always, you’re encouraged to share what you’ll remember in the comments section below or via Twitter @Aaron_Torres.
(Also, pick up a copy of the book, wontcha!!!!)
1) LeBron’s First Ring: Which capped an incredible season… and also led to Skip Bayless refusing to leave his bedroom for a solid three weeks straight.
2) The Beginning and End of ‘Lin-Sanity’: The tombstone may read “January 2012-March 2012.” But nobody can ever take away the memories, dammit!
3) Michael Phelps’ Retirement from Professional Swimming: It’s got to be so great for Phelps to finally step away from the swimming and be able to really jump into his true passions in life. You know, like playing online poker and hanging out with hot blondes’ poolside in Vegas.
4) Tebow to the Jets: Which led to about 40,000 scathing columns across the internet and a grand total of zero productive plays on the field.
It was also the first step toward Mark Sanchez reaching his ultimate destiny in pro football: As the 2017 Arena League MVP.
At the same time, how about…
5) Rex Ryan’s Lap-Band Surgery: Sure he might get fired as the Jets head coach. But hey, at least he’ll be able to pick up extra cash when he stars in a couple of those commercials where he holds up his jeans, stares into the camera and says, “Look at me now!!”
6) One More Jets Related Note: And that’s the sad retirement of Fireman Ed. Half-empty afternoons at Giants Stadium just won’t be the same without him.
7) “That’s A Clown Question, Bro”: Which doubled as both my single favorite phrase, and single favorite t-shirt slogan of 2012.
8) “Free Shabazz”: Which doubled as both my second favorite t-shirt slogan, and single favorite “movement, that wasn’t really a movement” in all of 2012.
9) The Beginning of the Mike Trout Era with the Angels: Ladies, calm down. The kid is 21-years-old. Get ahold of yourselves!
10) The End of the Bobby Petrino Era at Arkansas: Which led to 30,000 of the most fantastic “riding into the sunset” jokes I’ve ever heard.
11) The End of the Gene Chizik Era at Auburn: I mean besides the 3-9 record, winless SEC season and 49-0 loss to Alabama, was this year really THAT bad for the Chiz?
12) Anthony Davis’ Uni-brow: Not quite as stylish as Davis’ new white Bentley, but still pretty bad ass none the less.
13) James Harden’s beard: Which at this point is a lot more of a reason to tune in and watch the Rockets play than Harden’s game actually is. Didn’t I tell you that trade wouldn’t work out nearly as well as everyone expected?
14) RGIII on Thanksgiving: Granted, it wasn’t nearly as exciting as RGIII in the Alamo Bowl. But hey, whenever you can see the Cowboys lose while stuffing your face with turkey, well, that’s never a bad thing, right?
Speaking of which, how about…
15) Tom Brady on Thanksgiving: I’m never one to promote gambling, but, umm, if you didn’t win at least one months’ rent betting on Brady and the Patriots to crush the Jets on Thanksgiving, well, you’re doing it all wrong.
16) The NHL Lockout: Which, umm… wait, hockey is the one with the sticks and ice and stuff, right?
17) Missouri’s First Year in the SEC: Which once again proves that all the money in the world can’t buy happiness. Or wins on the football field for that matter.
18) Same with West Virginia and the Big XII: All of a sudden, that Dana Holgorsen isn’t quite so quirky as he once was, huh?
19) The Chase for Jon Gruden: First he was a lock to take the Tennessee job (ironically, before it even opened up). Then it was Arkansas. Then it was the Philadelphia Eagles. At this point, just about the only job Gruden hasn’t been linked to is the open spot on “American Idol” panel.
At this point, I half expect those rumors to break next week.
20) Justin Blackmon’s “Inner-Thigh Infection”: You may not remember it, but this was a huge story heading into last year’s Fiesta Bowl. It also led to some of the funniest headlines of the entire 2012 calendar year.
21) Urban Meyer’s Undefeated Run at Ohio State: With the way rest of the Big Ten is going, I’m not sure Urban Meyer will ever lose another game. Like, ever.
At the very least, can’t we all agree it’s good to have old Urban back in college football again?
22) That Night in Vegas: When 50 Cent and Justin Bieber were part of Floyd Mayweather’s “entourage” prior to his fight with Miguel Cotto. Honestly, that is still my single favorite of the entire 2012 calendar year. By far.
23) Johnny Heisman-zel: Admit it, you hadn’t heard of the guy six months ago. Now you’ve got at least two of his jerseys, four Texas A&M season tickets next season and are about to close on a condo in College Station.
Yes, the dude is that good.
24) Mike Brown’s Failed Attempt at implementing the “Princeton Offense” with the Lakers: No, I’m not saying it was doomed from the start. I’m also not saying I was surprised when Brown was fired after four games of the 2012-2013 season either.
Speaking of which, how about…
25) The Mike D’Antoni Era with the Lakers: Or, as the guy who hangs out at my coffee shop decided to call him after five games, “Mike D’An-baloney.” As you might’ve guessed, Lakers fans are hard to please.
26) Ryan Lochte: No, I can’t tell you a single thing he did in the pool this summer in London. I also can’t think of a single guy who tried to suck every ounce of fame from the Olympic experience quite like he did either. At this point I’m pretty sure Lochte would show up at my niece’s birthday party if he knew he was getting a check at the end.
27) Les Miles: No, there isn’t one specific reason to have the Mad Hatter on this list. There also isn’t one good reason to keep him off of it either.
28) The Arrival of the Brooklyn Nets: Which admittedly are about 60,000 times cooler than “the New Jersey Nets.” And for those wondering, no, it has nothing to do with Joe Johnson.
29) Magic Johnson’s Purchase of the Dodgers: Which once again proves life’s most important lesson: There’s nothing more fun than being rich!!
30) John L. Smith’s Tenure at Arkansas: You know what? Just go ahead and insert your own joke here. I don’t mind waiting.
31) Badminton Match-Fixing at the Olympics: Which was the single biggest scandal that wasn’t really a scandal we had all year in sports. If anything, I’m just surprised that anyone, anywhere is willing to bet on badminton.
32) Landry Jones’ Senior Year at Oklahoma: Which wasn’t good, wasn’t totally bad, but was somehow, the most Landry Jones-ish thing, ever.
33) Sean Payton’s One-Year Suspension as Head Coach of the New Orleans Saints: Look, there’s nothing funny about Bounty-Gate… well except for the fact that it proved Sean Payton is one of the three best coaches in the NFL and that there are about 30 teams that would break the bank in a heartbeat to have hire him if he were available.
Speaking of Payton…
34) How Funny was it When Payton Got Suspended and Tried to Replace Himself with Bill Parcells?: Oh you forgot about that, huh? Well it was fantastic and would’ve gone down as the single greatest “F-U” in sports history if Payton had been able to pull it off.
35) The AL MVP Debate: Which made baseball stat nerds the talk of the sports world for damn near a month straight. As far as I’m concerned that’s basically a month too long.
36) “Ryan Tannehill First Round NFL Draft Pick”: A phrase which was funny in April, and basically hasn’t stopped being funny since.
37) Hector Camacho’s Funeral: There’s nothing funny about death… But there is something insanely funny about two women fighting over you at your own funeral. I can only hope that when my time here on Earth is done, I can go out with a bang like that.
38) The NFL’s Replacement Refs: Which really were the gift that just kept on giving in 2012.
As a matter of fact, so were…
39) Derek Dooley’s Orange Pants: Which sadly, will have to be retired once Dooley accepts his next job… as the assistant running backs coaching at Eastern Illinois.
40) Matt Barkley’s Return to College: Which was undoubtedly the worst sequel LA has seen since “The Hangover: Part II.” Look, I love college football as much as the next guy, but when poor Barkley is holding a clipboard as a back-up in Buffalo next year, I’m guessing he’ll wish he’d left college after his junior year.
41) Michael Kidd-Gilchrist’s Career at Kentucky: Which included one season-saving block, one National Championship, and about 20,000 heart-melting smiles.
What, I have a man-crush. Who are you to judge?
Speaking of which…
42) The “New Look” Charlotte Bobcats: Which now feature my two favorite college players of the last decade, MKG and Kemba Walker. I’m not saying I’m a fan per se. But if I move to Charlotte at some point in 2013, don’t be surprised either.
43) Duke’s First Round NCAA Tournament Loss to Bucknell: At this point, shouldn’t we just celebrate any Duke NCAA Tournament loss as a national holiday?
44) The Opening of Marlins Park in Miami: Or as I like to call the place, “One of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World."
Speaking of the Marlins…
45) How About their Fire-sale This Off-Season?: Which led to their 12 highest paid players getting traded, along with three equipment managers, two pitching coaches and a bat boy.
I sure am glad that the taxpayers in Miami shelled out money for that new stadium!
46) Gus Johnson on Fox’s Primetime College Football Coverage: Whenever the words “Gus Johnson” and “After Dark” are put together in the same sentence, well, that’s never a bad thing.
47) The Greg Schiano Era in Tampa Bay: Wait, you mean to tell me that a guy who went one game over .500 as a college head coach wasn’t a home run hire in the NFL? You don’t say!
48) ‘Discount Double-Check’: Which quickly became the single most annoying phrase of the entire 2012 calendar year.
49) Bobby Petrino Again: I’m sorry, but the man’s year was just THAT fascinating.
50) Nothing to Add Here: Other than to say… have a Happy New Year!!
Cousin Raffi won't be too pleased about your diss of his sport @ #16. You know what happens when Raffi gets angry...