| 27 June 2011
I’m not sure if you heard, but the Travelers Championship golf tournament was this weekend. If you didn’t get a chance to watch, it’s ok, I’m sure you had more important things to do. Like wash your hair, rearrange your old Glenn Miller band albums, or actually do stuff with your children. To which, I must say, I’m truly sorry to hear about that last one.
Located in scenic Cromwell, CT (and by “scenic,” I actually mean, “not scenic at all”), the Travelers is one of my home state’s few chances to show America that it can in fact, put on a big time sporting event. Due to bad timing however, it almost never lives up to the hype.
The Travelers is played every year in the week following the U.S. Open, meaning that it’s got an “Island of Misfit Mascots,” feel to it, with almost everyone participant either up-and-coming, washed up or someone who- quite literally- can’t afford to skip a tour stop. Tiger Woods has never played the event. Rory McIlroy passed this year. Same with Ernie Els. While I’m not saying that a big name has never played in Cromwell, every year the Travelers almost feels like one of those alcohol-free, post-prom parties that every high school throws. Essentially, you never know who’s going to show up, how long they’ll stay, or what their interest level will be.
So with that as a background, I hesitated when my buddy Gene told me he couldn’t attend Sunday and offered me a free ticket. Eventually I got roped into going, only after finding out my uncle and his friend would be there, and in realizing that I honestly had nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon in late June (College football can’t get here soon enough).
However, I’ve got a confession to make. Much to my surprise, I actually had a really good time. It just wasn’t because of the golf.
Truth be told, unless you’re a golf die-hard, attending an actual tournament really isn’t fun at all. Quite the opposite, actually.
First of all, I don’t know if you knew this, but all golf tournaments are held outside. Which means that most certainly, it’s going to be hot out. Like, really, really hot out. And I’m sorry, as much as I enjoy golf, it’s never fun when you spend the day sweating like Gary Williams at Cameron Indoor Arena.
Also, as crazy as this sounds, when you’re at a live golf event, it’s actually kind of hard to see stuff. Hang out by the tee box and you see the drive, but miss the approach to the green, and finish to the hole. Hang out by the green, the opposite happens. You see the approach (half the time you don’t even know who hit it), and the putt. That’s it. Honestly, if you really do enjoy golf, attending a live tournament isn’t the way to go. You simply miss too much.
And really, if you do have to be there, the best way to really take things in is to hop in the gallery and follow a player hole-by-hole.
But again, that sounds a lot better on paper than it is in actual execution.
For one, there’s not a guy on tour that I care about enough to walk step for step with for 18 holes. It’s just too much effort, too much sweat and too much exercise. Plus, unlike the caddy, I’m not getting 10 percent of the winnings. Quite frankly if I wanted to walk to 18 holes, I would just, you know, actually play golf myself.
(The one thing that I will say about attending a live golf tournament, is that like every other professional sport, I still get a sick thrill out of watching the absolute best, perform at the absolute peak level of their craft.
Really, that’s why I watch sports to begin with. As I mentioned a few weeks back, that’s why I can’t help but flip on a Miami Heat game when LeBron James is playing, and why I forgive Alex Rodriguez for being- by all accounts- a flawed prick. They are so good at what they do, perform their craft at such an obnoxiously high level, that it is just really hard not appreciate them. Even if you don’t necessarily like them.
And it was like that yesterday at the Travelers too. I don’t really care about golf, but can’t help but have an appreciation in seeing a guy hit 300 yard drive right down the fairway, or save par after knocking a pitching wedge within a few from the hole out of the deep rough. As I mentioned on Twitter, even just watching a guy effortlessly hit balls on the driving range was fun in its own weird way.
Anyway, enough rambling. Back to your regularly scheduled column.)
So as I was saying, from the best I can tell, attending a golf tournament isn’t actually about the golf. Maybe it’s different at Augusta National or St. Andrews, I don’t know. But at the Travelers? Well, my uncle calls it “The State Fair,” and really, I don’t think he’s too far off. Yesterday there was enough fried food and out of control children to fill the Dallas Fairgrounds 10 times over. All that was missing were some pony rides, and a clown who can juggle knives.
As for me, I kept myself entertained in other ways. Here are four of my favorites:
1. Eating: Remember, when you’re out of the house for the day, the calories you consume don’t count. Got that Jenny Craig? They...do...not...count! Get off my back!
2. Working On Your Tan: Because really, if I’ve got to be outside in the fresh air (as opposed to sitting in the dark and watching old SEC football games like I’d prefer), I might as well get a little color doing it.
3. Trying To Sneak Into A Corporate Tent: When my uncle and his friend ditched me, I spent the better part of the afternoon trying to do just that. And after sweet talking five or six security guards (and I use the term “security guard,” loosely), making up two or three sob stories, and lying about my name being on a list, I finally got in.
And once I got in, I promise you, it was totally worth it.
Understand, until you’re in the middle of your third free lobster roll, look up, see a man in boat shoes staring at you like you just stole something, then proceed to make eye contact with him, hold it for a little over a second, and go back to eating like nothing happened, well, you haven't really lived. Well that exact scenario happened to me like three times yesterday.
4. People Watch: This was far and away my favorite part of attending a golf tournament. As far as I could tell, there are only six types of people who go to these things. They are:
A. People Who Are Actually Interested In Golf: They’re like American-born white guys in the NBA. You see just enough to know they’re there, but at the same time, they’re such a small minority that you hardly even notice them.
B. Unsupervised Children: Honestly, I don’t know if the DCF just rounds them up like stray dogs and drops them off on the grounds, or what. But how is it that I see something like 1,200 kids running around aimlessly (chasing butterflies, or whatever else it is that kids do), without a single parent in sight?
C. Old People: Most of which, are simply happy to be out of the house for the day.
Maybe my favorite part of this demographic is that often times they bring their own folding chairs and park themselves under a tree for six hours at a time, like they’re trying to get the prime spot along a parade route or something. Sure, they’re a mile from the green. And sure, they can’t see anything. But again, who cares? They’re outside! On a Sunday, none the less!
You’ll also notice that despite spending more time in the shade than a pride of lions, these people still re-apply sunscreen at least three times an hour. Man, I don't want to get old.
D. Married Men: Who are just thrilled to be away from their wives for the day. Considering that I’m bound to be part of this demographic sooner rather than later, I’m going to keep the comments to myself.
E. Rich People: Who see the tournament as a thinly veiled excuse to wear plaid shorts (men) or pearls (women), and get obnoxiously drunk during the daytime hours. To paraphrase my uncle’s friend, “Acting like an idiot doesn’t necessarily have to stop at a certain age.”
F. Couples: To me, this was the most fascinating subset of people at the event. There really is no better way to recognize a happy couple from a not-so-happy couple, than by observing them at a golf tournament.
The reason being, I just can’t imagine that there are many women out there who would knowingly choose to go to a golf tournament. They were either straight up lied to (Honey, I need to make one stop on the way to your friend's baby shower), or more likely, led to believe a golf tournament would be something that it most definitely is not. And understand, I’m hardly blaming the women. I myself was bored to tears at times yesterday. For lack of a better term, that’s just the nature of the beast.
I guess my point is this: Gentlemen, if you’re thinking about getting serious with a girl, bring her to a golf tournament. That might be the ultimate barometer of if she’s a keeper or not. If you get there and she immediately starts complaining, well, chances are pretty good that despite everything she’s told you, she isn’t in fact all that “different,” from every other girl you’ve dated. On the other hand, if she doesn’t complain? Well to quote Beyonce, “Put a ring on it.” Before someone else does.
(One more note to all the dudes out there. If you see a girl that you know, don’t wave, don’t stop to say, just walk the other way. Please. Understand that if she’s at a golf tournament, chances are pretty good she’s there with her boyfriend, and chances are even better that he’s going to be pissed the moment you two start talking.
Just a word from the wise).
So ultimately, what were my overall impressions of attending a professional golf tournament? It truly is what you make of it.
If you go in hoping to see all your favorite players up close and personal, and expect to leave with a million good stories, then honestly, you’ll be disappointed. It just isn’t going to happen. Everything is too spread out, the walks are too far, and in general, it’s just too much of a bother.
But, if you go in hopes of seeing your favorite player hit a shot or two, before you disappear to try and get free food and drinks in an air-conditioned tent?
Now that’s something I can sign off on!
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