Last Monday I wrote a column called “The 10 Most Annoying Fans In Sports,” an article which received more positive feedback than just about anything I’ve done recently. After it was posted, Twitter and my text log blew up with friends, family and followers telling me not only how much they enjoyed the article, but also by sharing with me which fans annoyed them the most. The comments were nothing short of hysterical; some of the best ever posted on my website.
It’s also why I decided that it was time to do a Part II of the Most Annoying Fans list, with a catch: This time, virtually all of the submissions come from actual readers of the first article. After all, I can only be annoyed so much, but if that first article proved anything, it’s that there is plenty out there which annoys you folks as well.
So here it is, Part II of the Most Annoying Fans in Sports.
10. Obscure Random Fact Guy (via @MHFaulkner and @RealJoshO)
Yeah, we all have a friend like this. Deep down, he’s a good guy, and in a lot of ways you feel bad for him: He’s a little shy, hasn’t had a date in three years, and although you’ve never been to his apartment, you’re almost certain there’s a Spiderman poster located somewhere prominently on his wall. Basically, the world knows his life sucks. Even if thankfully nobody brings it up.
Of course what also sucks is the fact that he makes up for that insecurity by ruining every game the two of you watch together when he brings up an endless amount of obscure, meaningless, obnoxiously-annoying facts every chance he gets. Give it two thirds of an inning, and “Obscure Random Fact” Guy has already mentioned…
“Hey, did you know that the back-up catcher was an extra on an episode of Boy Meets World back in 1996?”
“Hey, did you know the third base coach was born on an Air Force base in the South Pole and survived a polar bear attack as a small child??”
“Hey, did you know that guy was actually busted for trying to smuggle drugs into the country a few years back, but got off on a technicality?”
“Hey, did you know...”
YES WE KNOW!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!
And maybe the worst part is most of “Obscure Random Fact Guy’s” facts aren’t really all that obscure at all. As a matter of fact, just about every one of them is mentioned every single game by the broadcasters, and Sports Illustrated actually did a profile on the guy from Boy Meets World three weeks ago. Yet in “Obscure Random Fact Guy’s” world, he’s a sports and social encyclopedia, put on Earth to enrich his lives with our knowledge.
No man, you’re not.
And by the way, if you want a truly enriching experience, take a girl out to dinner sometime. You might enjoy yourself more than you’d think.
9. “Fat Guy Without A T-Shirt When It’s 20 Degrees Outside”
Don’t worry, this isn’t the part of the article where I just arbitrarily and maliciously take cheap shots at fat guys. Your body is your temple, and you’re allowed to do whatever you want with it. Not to mention that with Charlie Weis now coaching at Kansas, there’ll be plenty of time for those jokes in the fall.
Where my problem with the fat guys comes in, is when we’re both at the game and he’s leaning over the railing, screaming in my ear, and dripping belly button sweat on my head. Then, we’ve got beef. Speaking of which, dude its 20 degrees outside, with a wind chill that the meteorologist described on the news as “deadly.” Why are you sweating to begin with?
Regardless, the man is in fact sweating and is is most definitely shirtless. He’s also annoying as hell too. Dude, we get it. You’re big. You’re loud. You can write long words on your oversized chest, mere centimeters above internal organs that are slowly starting to fail you.
Look, being 490 lbs. is your business. Not mine. So put on a shirt and keep me out of it, ok?
8. “Sit Down In Front” Guy (via @PCBeachLaw)
Oh, we all know “Sit Down In Front Guy.” It’s his first ball-game since a third grade field trip in 1981, he’s got his two ugly kids with him, and he is secretly annoyed that he paid so much money to come to a “dumb ball game.” But the kids wanted him to go and his wife needed him out of the house (likely to spend some alone time with her personal trainer), so here he is. And he’s not happy about it.
Why isn’t he happy? Well, only because whenever something big happens, the people in front of him have the nerve to stand up… and cheer!! Who do they think they are? And to do it four times within the first three innings of the game? Well that’s just ridiculous.
Of course since he was castrated sometime during the first Bush administration “Sit Down In Front” Guy doesn’t actually have the guts to yell at the people in front of him, but instead stands with his arms crossed, sighs and starts muttering under his breath stuff like “I mean reaaaaaaaaally…. Enough is enough already… Can’t you just siiiit down!!”
No, loser, we can’t. Now go home to your wife. I really hope her “company” is gone by the time you get back.
7. The Oklahoma City “James Harden Fake Beard” Guy
Nothing says “I live in Oklahoma City, I care a little too much about my team, and my last 10 dates have all come from Match.com,” quite like those weirdos who wear the fake James Harden beards to Thunder home games.
To which I say please, please just stop. I’m begging. For one, you’re scaring the children. More importantly, you’re scaring away the few women that might actually be willing to date you.
6. Duke Basketball Fans (via @joe_cassin)
I know, I know, we Duke basketball fans on the list last week… but come on!! Have you seen those dweebs?
Anyone who worships the ground Mason Plumlee walks on deserves to be on this list.
5. “The 40-year-old Who Still Follows Pro Wrestling A Little Too Closely” Guy (via @JTWelch87)
Personally, pro wrestling was never my thing, but for those who did enjoy it, more power to you. We’re all into some weird stuff, and at least your weird stuff doesn’t end with someone filing a restraining order against you.
At the same time pro wrestling stopped being cool sometime about two decades ago, yet these guys are holding onto the sport like it’s 1997 all over again. Yup, that’s right. Stone Cold Steve Austin is retired and now selling knives door-to-door, and the only thing the Rock is “cooking” are chocolate chip pancakes in another unwatchable family movie. Yet the “The 40-year-old Who Still Follows Pro Wrestling A Little Too Closely” just won’t give it up.
No, no, no, quite the opposite actually. Instead of moving on with his life, he chooses to fill up my Twitter timeline every time Monday Night Raw is on, or there’s a Wrestlemania, Summer Slam, Beach Jam or Party Wham all year long. To these guys, the fact that pro wrestling is fixed is irrelevant. The fact that every fight ends with someone getting knocked out with a chair is insignificant. The fact that he’s missed his daughter’s last three dance recitals because they coincided with Raw is of little importance. After all, little Sarah will understand. I mean, it’s Raw after all!
Of course she understands. I just hope when she gets her first neck tattoo at age 16, you understand too.
4. The “Start the Wave At A Crucial Point In the Game” Guy (via @MSigs)
Amongst all things I hate about sports, the wave is right up there with Kobe Bryant’s stupid grin, Coach K’s shockingly black hair and any television programming with Skip Bayless. Functionally, the wave serves no purpose, well, except to distract snot-nosed kids for 30 seconds, as well as potentially giving me an aneurism every time it swings through my section of the stadium.
Of course with all that said though, I can deal with the wave, just as long as it’s early in the game… or if I’m nine beers deep and relatively incoherent. When I’m less tolerable is when it’s the eighth inning, its tied and its the fifth game of the playoffs. Then, we have a problem.
Yet despite it, there’s still always one stupid guy (usually in an authentic jersey he just bought that day) trying to start the wave none the less. For which he should be sent to Riker’s Island. Or at the very least, given a lifetime ban to the stadium.
3. “The Sky Is Falling, Everyone Needs To Go” Guy (@andrea_bagels)
Or as I like to call him, “The reason that entire sports radio industry exists.”
That’s right, we all know these guys. They’re the ones who pick their team to win the title at the beginning of every single season, and go ahead and stick by that prediction… until the first sign of adversity hits, at which point they jump ship like they’re on the Titanic or something. That’s right, every loss is a code-red, stock-the-basement with canned goods apocalypse, from which the team, the city and quite possibly human civilization as we know it might not recover from.
And when the losing does start, well, everyone involved needs to go. I mean everyone. The coach needs to be fired. Most of the team needs to be traded. The assistant coach needs to go back to “Wherever the hell he came from.” And if there isn’t a new water boy, peanut vendor and mascot in place for the start of next season, well “The Sky Is Falling, Everyone Needs To Go Guy” isn’t renewing his season tickets. Given that they’re in the eighth row of the second deck, I doubt anyone would care. But that’s beside the point.
And of course, we all know what the worst part is: The second the team gets hot again, well, “The Sky Is Falling, Everyone Needs To Go Guy” is all of a sudden the team’s biggest fan. It’s like that three game losing streak he stressed out about last week never even happened.
You’d think after following the team for 34 years, he’d have it all figured out by now. Apparently not.
2. “I’m Not Bragging, But I Played A Little College Ball Back In The Day” Guy (via @DrewTheEmployee)
First of all, you are bragging, so please stop trying to add “modesty” onto your list of non-existent accomplishments.
Speaking of which, what exactly are you bragging about? You played at a school called East Towson Technical College, a place so obscure Google Maps can’t even find it. Not to mention that some quick research reveals that while you were in fact on the roster during the 2003 season, you played a grand total of 19 snaps, finishing with one tackle. Look man, I’m not saying you were bad. What I am saying is that you probably didn’t have much to do with your team’s two wins that year either.
And in a way, you’re right: Given the fact that you did play college ball, you probably know a little more about the sport of football than I do. I get that, and give you credit for it. At the same time- and this is a total hunch- I’m guessing you probably don’t know more than Nick Saban, Les Miles and Chip Kelly, three guys that you have no problem criticizing every Saturday.
Please, just sit back, relax and enjoy the game, and save the heavy analysis for someone else who might be more interested. You know, like your dog for example.
1. "I Think I’m An Announcer" Guy (via @CollegiateStdms)
Admittedly, I have never actually dealt with this person (thankfully), but enough of you have where it needs to be included on this list. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s “I Think I’m An Announcer Guy!”
To quote Denny Green, “I Think I Am An Announcer Guy” is exactly “Who you thought he was.” He’s the guy who comes over to watch a game, plops on the couch and grabs a beer…before breaking out the worst Vin Scully “Here’s the 1-2 pitch” impression you’ve ever heard. It’s awful. It’d be classified as “cruel and unusual punishment” in some states. And the worst part is he just…won’t…stop.
Which of course puts you into quite a predicament. After all, he’s a good guy in every other avenue of life, and if you tell him to stop, it might hurt his feelings. Of course if you react the way you really want to, well, second-degree murder carries a minimum prison sentence of 20 years.
What to do, what to do?
Well, it’s looking like Plan B.
At the very least you can plead temporary insanity in the court of law.
Also for his continued take on all things sports, and updates on his articles, podcasts and giveaways, be sure to follow Aaron on Twitter @Aaron_Torres, Facebook.com/AaronTorresSports or by downloading the Aaron Torres Sports App for FREE for your iPhone or Android Phones)
Pirates for the win! No, I kid, they're better than the Astros although they're not that bad the Astros are good and everyone will see
aaron you forgot the kids, who's ceo dad just robbed the company to send their kid to school so they can be seen high as a kite cheering their school every saturday. that is the most annoying. its like " look at me i'm daddys little baby and i'm on t.v."
Well, being that I'm an association football fan, one of a few in this country, I'll add some some suggestions from that side of the sports world:
10. The fanatic who continues to insist that pro/rel is the solution to soccer gaining popularity. I'll tell you what, when you have $6 billion to play with then you can lecture. Otherwise, follow some other league.
9. People who insist that the US women can beat the US men because the US dominates in the women's game. No need to explain but it's completely illogical.
8. The "MLS isn't in X" guy. Yes, the type of who always whine about not following the sport because MLS isn't in his town. Doesn't he have a computer already? How about following the various semi pro or rec teams in the area? Things are different from forty years ago.
7. Fans who steal chants from fans of other teams. I guess the US sporting culture is really stale when in a sport where you're encourage to make your own chants people insist on chanting "I Believe That We Will Win" and "Take Them All", not to mention the always-annoying "Ole! Ole! Ole!" when a team is up and the game is nearing its end.
6. People who insist of there being "good cheats" vs. "bad cheats". This is pertinent to those from certain South American countries. No, a cheat is a cheat. Not only that it gives the sport a bad name here. The haters don't need any more fuel.
5. The annoying Mexican who thinks that every US-Mexico match is an excuse to throw stuff at the stadium. These are the types that claim that the Southwestern US States were stolen from them and do not recognize US sovereignty on them.
4. The American fan who thinks that everything that is important happens outside the US. These are the types who think that supporting teams 5,000 miles away makes them true fans. Of course, the true fans of those teams think of them the way they think of the rest of us. Meaning, not much. Along the same lines, the fan who only thinks that anyone with a British accent can announce games in English. Yes, I think that some of them are among the best in the game but Phil Schoen is no chopped liver, either.
3. The fanatic that continues to insist that soccer will take over the country. Come on, getting an actual league started off is hard enough. Leagues have come and gone and there's no guarantee MLS would make it, either. Meanwhile, at least 80% of country is doing something else other than watching a soccer game.
2. The people who continue to insist that nobody here cares about the game. Yes, I get it that many of you would rather pour acid on yourselves than watch a soccer game but please spare the people who want to watch the grief. Worry about your own pathetic selves instead of picking on soccer fans all the time.
1. And topping off the list the "call it football" guy. What, "association football" isn't the true name of the sport? Those type of people either: 1. live in some pathetic country where there's no chance of electing true leaders; 2. One of those front-running fans who only would support the so-called big clubs; 3. Some suck-up who thinks his life gets better by sucking up to people who thinks he's beneath them; or 4. Sunshine nationalists, the types who only get worked up during big tournaments.
There you have it, folks!
That’s right, we all know these guys. They’re the ones who pick their team to win the title at the beginning of every single season, and go ahead and stick by that prediction…
@collegiatestdms @PCBeachLaw Ha, I have absolutely no argument there. As I said, the only satisfaction is knowing he'll go home by the 3rd
@CarlosListon Haha, I did not!! Now if you tell me "He was the only player to catch a no-hitter on the day his second child was born" then
@CarlosListon Ha, I'm sure you're not that bad. There's a way you can do thinks tactfully without being a dork about it.
@Aaron_Torres Thanks for adding me to the list! Forgot one more, the guy who roots for a team solely because he bet on them for that game.