| 12 February 2010
Ahh, the Olympics.
The pageantry, the excitement, the patriotism. Not to mention the goofy accents, funny sounding names and bad haircuts.
But with the 2010 Winter Olympics set to kick off tonight, where's the enthusiasm? Apparently no where, as NBC is set to lose close to $200 million dollars by broadcasting them. So what's the company to do?
Well as always, I, Aaron Torres, have been thinking about this, and have come up with a few ideas that I think would help.
Some are pure genius, and others are quite goofy, (I'll be the first to admit it) but when you're about to loose $200 million, isn't every one of them is worth listening to? Besides, the point of this excersise isn't to re-invent the wheel, just get people talking about the Games and tuning in.
So here are my 10 Ways to Spice Up the 2010 Winter Olympics.
Enjoy!
1. Sid Crosby Sex Tape: This "Sid the Kid," thing has gone on long enough. The guy is going to be 23 in October, and it's time for Sid the Kid to become a Man.
And what better way to get the Olympics rolling, and everyone talking, then a conveniently leaked, strategically timed Crosby sex tape? It would be the talk of the Olympics and at your water coolers on Monday morning, not to mention the most Googled and searched piece of news on the internet for days to come. It would drum up excitement for Team Canada, the NHL and Crosby's career as a whole. Bonus points if we can get Paris Hilton to take part as well.
If a sex tape isn't conceivable because of time restraints, maybe we can have some naked mirror shots of Crosby "accidentally released," just before the Gold Medal game. I mean after all, if naked pictures got us talking about Greg Oden and George Hill (George freakin' Hill), imagine what it'd do for a bona-fide international superstar like Crosby?
Ok, bona-fide may have been a bad choice of words, but still, just take the pictures Sid. Your career, and this Olympics will never be the same.
2. Go Interactive: Because of Facebook, Twitter and all social media, we've never felt closer to athletes. And on a serious note technology like texting has helped beyond sports and celebrity, like with raising money after the recent disaster in Haiti.
And when you think about it, this new media is how we should be interacting with our fans. But how can we reach them globally, and keep drawing them back into our broadcasting?
What's that? Yes. As a matter of fact, I do have an idea. Thanks for asking.
Alright, so we're trying to promote a hockey game. It features the Czech Republic and Whatchamacallit-istan, and it's being aired 
domestically say in the middle of the afternoon. And nobody cares.
So how do we get them to care? Well, let's start with the basics: When you think Czech Republic, what is the first name that comes to mind? Jaromir Jagr right? And why? Because of his ageless grace and skill? Hell no, it's because of his mullet. Obviously.
So how do we incorporate Jaromir Jagr, his mullet and social media, all with the goal of getting people to tune in, and keep tuning in?
Simple, we make his mullet the star of the show.
Here's what I'm thinking: We set up a Twitter account called, "Jaromir's Mullet." During any Czech Republic game, we make announcements that fans can send Twitpics, cell phone pics, disposable camera pics, whatever, of their mullet to the "Jaromir's Mullet," account.
Then, during the Czech Republic's last preliminary game, we choose three "Mullet finalists," and fans get to text their vote for what I like to call "The Great Mullet Debate of 2010." The ugliest, and most popular mullet wins two free tickets plus airfare to the Hockey Gold Medal game.
Why wouldn't this plan work? Plus it gets people watching the preliminary games that they might not have otherwise, and you'll make a few bucks on international texting rates.
Who's in?
3. Four Words: Conan O'Brien, Color Commentator: Alright, let's pick a sport that nobody cares about, say skiing, biathalon, luge, curling, snowboarding, basically anything except hockey and ice skating. Then we throw Conan in the booth.
Let's look at this simply. NBC is going to lose $200 million on these Games, they need ratings any (legal) way they can get them. Well Conan's show was a ratings bonanza, solid gold (Jerry), the last few weeks it was on the air. And wouldn't you tune in on a Tuesday night just to see America's favorite redhead a few more times? I would.
Maybe more importantly, with NBC losing so much money on these Games, Conan would work for cheap. He just got a $45 million settlement with the company, meaning he's not exactly going to be a hard line negotiator when it comes to contract talks. Honestly, he's probably going to be happy to just be on TV for a few weeks.
If it helps he can even bring on Andy Richter to do play-by-play. Again, it's curling. Who cares! Let's just have some fun.
4. Gambling Is Discussed and Encouraged: First of all, these games are on international soil, so I have to assume gambling statutes might be pretty flexible. But beyond that, what gets a warm-blooded American males heart racing (Besides strippers of course) like having a few bucks on a sporting event? Nothing I say.
When it comes to gambling, every male under the age of 35 thinks he's a young Jimmy the Greek, which obviously isn't true, since there seems to be five new casinos in Vegas going up every month.
So to quote Herm Edwards, "We can build on this." Let's not only openly acknowledge gambling, but encourage it! Let's talk about it on the air: Who's the favorite, who's the sharps pick, who should we parlay to win the gold and bronze medals? We could even have a gambling analyst on breaking down the best odds, on the biggest and smallest games, matches and events.
Not to mention that in an Olympics that's already on a tight budget, why not make "Fill-In-The-Blank," Online Sports Book the "Official Gambling Partner of the 2010 Winter Olympics." They throw us $50 million dollars, we mention their site every five minutes, and drive millions of dollars of revenue their way. Everybody's a winner!
(Just for the record, I'm really starting to wonder why NBC hasn't called me yet. I'm pretty sure if they'd put me in charge of this whole thing three months ago, I'd have thse Olympics humming and making more money than Microsoft right now. I'm just saying)
5. The Real World: Vancouver: What happens when seven overly competitive, possibly 'roided up strangers are picked to live in a house together? People stop getting polite and starting get real, that's what. It's the Real World: Vancouver!
I've got to be honest, this just came to me, so I haven't thought it out particularly well. I just know for it to work, we need Patrick Kane as one of the cast-mates.
Who is Patrick Kane you ask? Well, for those of you who aren't familiar, many know him as the former No. 1 overall pick in the 2007 NHL Draft, as well as a key cog in the Chicago Blackhawks run toward a Western Conference Finals appearance last spring.
Of course, I know Kane as the rebellious 20-something, who beat the living daylight's out of a Buffalo cab driver last August, because the cabbie didn't have the 20 cents in change that he owed Kane. No, that seriously happened.
Well now Kane is back and the alcohol is flowing. Only this time, the cameras are rolling!
I'm also thinking that as far as the other cast-mates, we need at least one more hockey player in the house. You know, just to get some glove dropping, shirt pulling, fist-fights going. Especially if there's a love interest involved (The slutty skiier from Switzerland? The two-timing, bi-polar snowboarder from Latvia? You pick.)
To spice up our foreign relations, we could even pick a Canadian to brawl with the American born Kane. Think we could get Chris Pronger to sign up?
6. The Return of the Jamaican Bobsled Team: You weren't going to watching bobsledding anyways, were you?
Well to commemorate the 22nd anniversary of the island nation's last place finish in the 1988 Winter Olympics, as well as the 17th anniversary of the movie release of Cool Runnings, it's time to get the guy's back together!
And since this year's group of hopefuls were unable to qualify for the 2010 Games, why not just let the original four race again? Why not go the whole nine yards, and bring in Doug E. Doug to emcee the event, provide occasional color commentary, and share funny stories from the movie set? I can't image he's got anything better to do.
7. Lindsey Vonn Cam: Will her shin heal? Won't it?
Who cares, she's hot! Set up a 24-hour live feed on NBC.com, and the pageviews will be through the roof!
8. Shaun White: Alright, so I guess this Shaun White guy is a pretty good snowboarder. So I'm told anyway, I really have no idea. The truth is, with his long red hair, he looks too much like Carrot Top for me to take him seriously.
Wait a minute...
Wait a minute...
Cue Herm Edwards (Who may have to replace Bob Costas as our in-studio host): We can build on this!!!!!
For entertainment purposes only, and to draw in the casual viewer, why not have White and Carrot Top perform the "Who's on First," Skit at the Opening Ceremonies? It'd get the Olympics off on a great foot, generate some goofy and easy-going buzz, and would most definitely be the most downloaded YouTube clip for weeks. Well except for the Sid Crosby sex tape that is.
Plus, Carrot Top already has any of the props needed. Somebody get me Shaun White on the phone!
9. Snowball Fight: Olympic Event: Look, if we're going to let curling into the Olympics, why not Snowball Fight?
Here's what I'm thinking: Eight teams of eight men, eliminated in dodgeball fashion, until just one is standing. Best of three "games," determines the winner.
More importantly, since this is clearly the most masculine sport to enter the Games in some time, steroids are not only encouraged, but mandatory. Two piss tests a week, every week, with a mandatory sample straight from the medal stand. You know, just to make sure everyone is on the same playing field.
Also, just to grab the casual viewer and draw a line in the sand (or should I say snow), the Russian delegation has to wear Red and Yellow jersey's that say "USSR," on them. Not only is there immediate rooting interest, but maybe we could get the Cold War going again.
It's been kind of boring being the world's only Super Power for the last 15 years? Hasn't it?
10. Tonya Harding: Figure Skating Announcer: She's got the knowledge. She's got the experience. She's got a pack of Marlboro Lights.
And she's coming to a TV near you.
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