| 30 July 2010
There's a gre
at scene in the movie Major League II, where Roger Dorn looks Jake Taylor in the eye, and says, "Did you ever feel like you were just born for greatness?"
While I can't say I have, I do know greatness when I see it: Roger Federer. Pre-sex scandal Tiger Woods. Ken Griffey Jr., before his body broke down like a used car. And of course Snooki, the Situation and Pauly D and the rest of the Jersey Shore cast.
That's right, Jersey Shore kicked off it's second season last night, and I'm here to give you a recap.
But rather than just doing a regular review, I'll let the guys put it into their own words. Here is a running diary (Yes I ripped this gimmick off from a million writers before me) of the events, as they transpired.
Let's pick things just minutes before the premeire...
9:58 p.m. EST: Just caught the tail end of last season's finale, and I can't lie I'm ready to go. My knees are weak. My hands are shaking. I'm sweating a bit. Basically, I haven't been this excited about anything, since I found my dad's porn collection when I was 14. Here we gooooooo...
10:00: We open with a montage of last season's exploits, which includes the following: Beating the beat, hair gel, GTL, Pauly D's grenade, the duck phone, hugs, kisses, laughs, tears... And of course, more hair gel.
10:01: Cut to the first scene of the show: Snooki standing on her porch, screaming to no one in particular, "We're going to Miamiiiiiiiii!!!" Again, I'm not sure who she's yelling at, but she sure does seem excited. Apparently, she doesn't get out much anymore.
(And if you're wondering, yes I'm a little disappointed that she didn't yell, "I'm taking my talents to South Beach!!!!!" Of course, in her defense, she has no talents).
10:01: First shot of Angelina. Ugh.
10:01: Our first Pauly D cameo, and not a moment too soon. He explains what it's like living on the East Coast in the winter, by saying what we were all thinking, "You can't tan in this weather. You can't creep in this weather. The girls don't come out on in the cold."
Thank God he's here to articulate all of our thoughts. What would we do without him?
10:02: Cut back to Snooki, as we find out that she's found herself a nice beau between season's 1 and 2, a man she affectionately calls, her "Gorilla Juicehead."
Aww, isn't that just adorable? I'm pretty sure my grandma used to have the same pet name for me when I was a kid.
10:02: 20 seconds later, Snooki follows up her previous quote by saying, "I don't want to cheat, but if you hand me a bottle of SoCo, something comes over me."
In her defense, at least she's trying. Who says young love is dead?
10:03: More Snooki: "I don't go tanning, because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning. And I feel like he did it because of us. McCain would never do that."
Again, I'm going to defend Snooki, because quite honestly, I'm surprised she even knows who Obama and McCain are.
10:04: Pauly D heads over to the Situation's house, because apparently they're road-tripping to Miami together. Good times, this could be fun. Two very important points from this scene:
1. The Situation exits his house (Or more accurately, his parents house), wearing a sweatshirt that's about 22 different colors, and could best be described as, "Looking like something a bullimic threw up on."
2. Despite a monsoon going on outside, both Pauly D and the Situation's hair remain perfect.
I feel like these are things you should know.
10:04: Snooki pulls up to JWoww's house, because they too, are road-tripping together. In a related story, with Snooki behind the wheel, the U.S. Department of Defense officially put America on a Code Orange security alert. I'm stocking up on canned goods and bottled water just incase.
10:05: Cut to independent shots of Ronnie and Sammi, who we've just recently found out are no longer dating. Too bad. Because honestly, if those two crazy kids can't make it, who can?
(In another related story, Vegas just posted odds on "A drunken fight that ends with Sammi crying," at 100,000,000,000,000,000,000-1. Anyone have some money I can borrow?)
10:05: Shot of Ronnie's friend telling him, "Have a good time. Get creepy." Sadly, we're five minutes into the first episode, and I'm already out of jokes. Feel free to insert your own.
10:06: Ahh, our first shot of Vinny. He's out with his big Italian family, eating a pasta dinner at the Olive Garden or something. I've gotta say, I don't think I've ever met anyone with as many cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews as this guy has. I'm pretty sure 3/4 of the tri-state area is related to him somehow.
Also of note, at the end of dinner, one of his 47 uncles gives him the same advice my dad did before I went to college: Don't get too much Snooki from Snooki.
10:07: With the Situation and Pauly D road-tripping to Miami, the camera catches them in the midst of one of those deep, heart-to-heart, emotional conversations that this show has become known for...
Ok, who am I kidding? Pauly D's talking about how he banged Angelina in L.A, and comparing notes with the Situation. Bada-bing, bada-boom. Sadly, I'm pretty sure this is the most extensive conversation they had the whole drive down.
10:08: Speaking of Angelina, she's back, looking as slutty as ever! I think it's safe to say that after last season, she knows she made a mistake, and is coming back with an open mind, looking to make amends. Truthfully, it's great to see so much growth, from such a young person. Honestly, I'm really happy for her (And yes, I'm being sarcastic).
(On another side note, Angelina may end this season as America's greatest villan since Russia during the Cold War. I'm serious. Just promise, that if she ends up unifying us as a country like the 1980 Miracle on Ice hockey team, that you tell everyone you heard it here first. Deal?)
10:09: Back to Pauly D and Mike, who decide to take a break from their road trip and go fireworks shopping. After buying them, the two head over to a cornfield, where they're ready to set them off...until their car gets stuck in the mud.
I mean seriously, didn't these guys see "My Cousin Vinny?" They are Italian right??...(Down here, we're famous for our mud)....
10:09: Incase you were worried, Pauly D again puts us at ease, saying, "I'm not even worried. I got AAA. I'm a Gold Memba." Again, thank God he's here.
10:10: The first AAA truck comes, and proceeds to...you guessed it...get stuck in the mud. My head's starting to hurt. Luckily, the second AAA truck saves the day. But not before 80 percent of my brain cells died.
10:11: Update time: JWoww and Snooki stop in Savannah to grab a bite to eat. Much to the delight of Snooki, the restaurant offers up the finest local cuisine, aka fried pickles. They celebrate like we all would, by taking shots.
10:11: (This is the part where I'm supposed to tell you about the local guy that proceeds to hit on Snooki and JWoww at the bar. Unfortunately, it was so painful, I had to cover my ears and block my eyes. For more information on the events, and how they went down, please visit MTV.com.)
10:12: After 12 minutes, we finally have our first commercial break, and not a moment too soon. Twelve minutes in, and I'm already out of breath. Kinda like Shaq in a playoff game. Only worse.
10:16: We come out of the first commercial to Angelina, who tells us that no one knows she's even coming to Miami. For some reason, I don't see this ending well. Think there's any chance she breaks down on the side of the road and gets eaten by an alligator? A guy can dream, can't he?
10:18: Pauly D and the Situation are the first people to make it to the house, as MTV shows us various shots of the city of Miami. Honestly, there's no punch-line here, I'm just legitimately jealous. I just hope that someday I can grow up to be dumb and Italian, and get to live in a house like that.
10:19: Angelina becomes the first girl to enter the house. Her outfit would normally best be described as "whoreish," but since she's from Staten Island, it's just normal.
10:20: Mike hears a girl's voice and immediately goes into heat. Unfortunately, once he finds out it's Angelina, he gets the same look on his face that a 40-year-old man does, when he gets the notice for his first prostate exam. Needless to say, he's not happy.
10:21: After spending approximately six seconds in the house, Angelina decides that she's going to room with the guys, playing the "I may have been a bitch last season, but I'm, like, totally more fun this time around," card. Sorry, none of us are buying it.
Meanwhile, after announcing she's going to room with the guy's, Situation's face goes from, "Getting the prostate exam notice," to, "In the office for the prostate exam, and the doctor telling you to drop your pants." Funny for me. Not so much for him.
10:22: Second commercial
10:24: Here comes Sammi! What's the over/under on number of times she does something dumb that ends with Ronnie getting in a fight this season? Six? Seven?
10:25: The Situation welcomes Sammi with open arms, saying, "Ronnie and Sammi are broken up now...You never know." Anyone think he'll have the same reaction when Ronnie shows up?
10:26: I could throw in a bunch of quotes to describe the next few minutes, just know this: Sammi and Angelina apparently don't like each other. Who would've guessed?
10:27: And there's Vinny! He enters the house wearing a mango colored shirt, white rimmed sunglasses and faded jeans. Or as I like to call it, the, "My First Guido Start-Up Outfit."
10:28: Enter Ronnie.
10:29: As we head to another commercial break, Ronnie and Sammi make eye contact, leading to the most awkward moment since LeBron James and Delonte West had to share a seat on the Cavaliers team charter in last year's playoffs.
Who's going to end up in tears? Stay tuned after the commercial break!
10:30: On a personal note, I'm so dehydrated from the first 30 minutes of the show that I ate two Powerbars and drank a liter of Gatorade on the commercial break. And I'm still feeling dizzy. I think I need an IV.
10:33: Enter JWoww and Snooki, the last ones to get to the house. Unfortunately, their plan to arrive first was foiled because, you know, they're women drivers and all.
10:35: It's official, JWoww and Snooki hate Angelina as much as Sammi and I do. The first meeting of our support group is this Monday night at 7 p.m., for anyone who might be interested in attending.
10:36: Situation only adds fuel to the fire, by telling Angelina, "Don't let them say anything to you."
I'd bet my left kidney that he did that hoping for a drunken, pillow fight between the girls. Truthfully, I'm thinking he just might get one.
10:37: Another commercial , but not before we get previews of potential showdown's with Angelina and JWoww, and Sammi and Ronnie after the break. As Terrell Owens would say, "Get Your Popcorn Ready."
10:39: We've officially got our first hot tub scene of the season, as the guys are joined by Angelina, while the girls pregame inside.
10:40: While inside, JWoww spills Ron-Ron juice all over Sammi's clothes, leading Snooki to make the dumbest statement of the night, saying, "I feel like a pilgrim in the 1920's washing clothes in a sink."
Gee, this whole time I thought illiteracy had been eradicated in America. I guess not.
10:41: Still inside, word trickles back that Angelina is sitting next to Ronnie in the hot tub. Needless to say, Sammi looks about ready to mark her territory by going outside and peeing on Ronnie. Quite frankly, I wouldn't blame her.
10:42: Time for a "Let's get ready to go out," montage, sponsored by Red Bull!
Cue the typical scene of Pauly D fixing his hair, JWoww putting on a dress that could be mistaken for a dish towel, and Ronnie doing bicep curls in the mirror. Just like old times! Actually, I think they might have just taken this footage from last season to save money. Not quite sure.
10:43: With everyone ready to hit the town, who's ready for some... Girl talk in the cab!!! (Me! Me!)
10:44: Girl talk time is in full-swing, with Sammi pouring her heart about Ronni, holding back tears, fighting her inner demons, and, just when it's about to get good... Bam, there's Angelina coming out of left field, and complaining that nobody supported her when she had guy problems. What a buzz kill.
Of course all this leads to...
The girls all yelling at the top of their lungs...
And JWoww threatening to beat Angelina up...
And more yelling...
And JWoww trying to reach over the seat to take a swing at her...
And...
(Since this is supposed to be a sports article, I should probably mention that as the JWoww-Angelina tussle in the cab was going down, I thought to myself, "Wow, this is infinitely more exciting than boxing match I've seen in about five years." I don't know if that speaks more to how good Jersey Shore is right now, or how bad boxing is.
I'll leave that up to you to decide. Let's to just keep going.)
10:45: Time to head for another commercial break, as Snooki calls Angelina a "White rat," and tells her, "You don't deserve to be here." You go girl!!
10:49: And we're back from break, with Ronnie and Sammi getting in their first drunken fight of the season. Blah, blah. I mean honestly, this was as predictable as the Marlins trading a few high-priced players after the All-Star break. Who didn't see it coming? Anyone?
10:52: The club scene ends with everyone getting back into a cab, as Ronni continues to berate Sammi. Unfortunately, this time in front of other people (Cough, 'roid rage, cough). Vinny describes the situation by going Mike Tyson on us, and saying, "Ronnie's obliviated at this point."
Honestly, I'm all for making jokes, but this is really bad. Even I'm starting to feel awkward. I just hope I don't act like that, when I get obliviated.
10:54: Eventually, the girls (minus Angelina) decide to go home, while the guys head to a new club. Here are a few assessments of Ronnie at this point:
Vinny: "He's in creep mode."
Pauly D: "I love single Ronnie."
And just like Derek Jeter in October, the Situation describes the scene best, saying, "Ronnie's at the club hooking up with grenades (bigger, ugly chicks), land mines (skinny, ugly chicks), and loving life. His name might be Ronnie, but you can call him Sloppy Joe."
10:56: Back at home, the girls are settling in, and still steaming about Angelina, with JWoww telling an unidentified person on the phone, "I'm about to put some vaseline on my face, take off my earrings, put my hair up and beat the crap out of her."
I feel her pain. If I had a dollar for every time I said that exact same phrase.
10:58: And we have our first tearful confessional from Sammi. As hard as it is to believe, I'm actually starting to feel bad for her...
(Resist the urge Aaron, resist the urge. Remember, she got Ronnie's ass kicked on the boardwalk last year. We must never forget).
10:58: The episode ends with Ronnie in the midst of a triple kiss, before a montage of the season to come...
Welcome to Miami.
(And back to sports on Monday.)
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