| 23 May 2011
There’s nothing quite as unique as a college graduation. It's totally weird in the sense that nobody wants to be there, yet no one questions ever actually going.
Think about it. The kids show up because their parents want them to, but in reality would much rather go back to their crappy, dilapidated houses, drink warm beer and play whiffle ball. Meanwhile the parents think attending graduation is a great idea…at least until they actually show up, spend an hour looking for parking, can’t find a seat, end up standing in the sun and fanning themselves with that crappy, flimsy program that you want to throw out at the end of the day, but can’t, because it’s a “memento.” Whatever. At least in their defense, graduation gives the parents one last day to enjoy some freedom before the kids move home and drive them nuts for a year, at which point they’ll have saved enough money to move into their next crappy, dilapidated house. It’s a vicious cycle, you see.
And in case you were wondering, yes I attended a college graduation this weekend, and yes I’m still bitter. Mine was for my sister, who got her Master’s degree on Sunday (As I joked on Twitter, “Everyone in our family always knew she was the smarter one, and now we’ve finally got proof”). And as much as I love her and am proud of her, yes, I was bored out of my mind during the process.
Luckily, it gave me plenty of free time to think.
Here are 50, somewhat disturbing thoughts I had throughout the day.
In no particular order…
1. Let’s start at the top, and say that it’s time to put a moratorium on all jokes on the following subjects: Rapture, Osama bin Laden and Leaders and Legends. Every joke has already either been made, or wasn’t funny to begin with. Just stop.
2. Speaking of Rapture, I can’t say that I ever believed it for a second…but, if the fact that JJ Barea is not only dating Miss Universe, but also a key cog in a potential NBA champion isn’t a sign of the end of the world, I don’t know what is.
(See, I told you the jokes weren’t funny to being with)
3. Staying with Mavs-Thunder, I’ve got to ask this: In a world where we know almost too much about our athletes, how has no one ever done an all-encompassing 5,000 word feature on Serge Ibaka? The guy grew up as one of 18 siblings in a house with no electricity or running water, in a war-torn country; If that doesn’t make a good story, I don’t know what would.
Someone get Tom Rinaldi on the phone.
4. Last point on the Thunder, and that’s the following: If there weren’t autographed Scott Brooks basketball cards available on the internet, would anyone actually believe he had previously played in the NBA?
5. I just got my copy of Rex Ryan’s book, “Play Like You Mean It,” the other day, and I’ve got to ask, did anyone else’s come with grease stains and pizza crust crumbs on the inside of cover? Or was that just mine?
6. I’ve decided that Chris Rose is like the Ryan Seacrest of sports. As in, I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys his work, yet somehow the guy keeps getting jobs. Huh?
7. If you’re a Bulls fan, are there six more frightening words in the English language than, “Boozer is really feeling it tonight.” I say not.
8. Speaking of Boozer, do you think that Marv Albert and Steve Kerr say the phrase “Man, Boozer is really struggling with his opponent’s length tonight,” in each individual game? Or do they just have that audio clip on a loop from past postseason’s.
9. Also on Boozer, I’ve got to ask: If weren’t for the receding hairline and hideous beard, would there be any actual, tangible way to tell the difference between he and Taj Gibson?
10. Wait, let’s go back to Marv Albert for a second. Look, I love the guy. He’s a legend. And while I’m not saying I want him off my broadcasts, isn’t there some way TNT could incorporate Kevin Harlan into this series as well? Couldn’t Harlan read the promos? Or spell Marv for the second quarter? Something?
I guess what I’m saying is, I need some, “RIGHT between the eyes!” in my life right now.
11. Staying with these playoffs, a quick note to the NBA: The talking basketball commercials terrify me. They’re giving me nightmares. Please make them stop.
12. I’m not pointing any fingers, but doesn’t it seem like more than a coincidence that on the same day Derrick Rose made his remark about PED’s, Chris Bosh had maybe the best game of his career?
13. One more Bulls note: How do you think Kyle Korver will do in his first season of Two and a Half Men next fall? I actually think he might be pretty good.
14. Moving on, I’ve gotta say that I can’t wait until the Belmont Stakes is over in three weeks. I’m sorry, but I just can’t live in a world where people pretend to care about horse racing. It doesn’t exist.
Of course at the same time…
15. That probably also means that I’m admitting to being a huge hypocrite, since it’s right around this time every year that I get waaaaaay too into college baseball (College World Series is now only three weeks away!!!).
Whatever, I never claimed to be perfect.
16. If there’s one reason to tune into this week’s French Open tennis tournament, it is definitely Novak Djokovic’s incredible 38 match winning streak. If there’s one reason not to tune in, it’s definitely Rafael Nadal’s jorts.
17. While we’re on the subject of tennis, I’m just going to come out and say it: The world will be a better place when Caroline Wozniacki turns 21 in a few weeks. Sorry, but it’s true.
18. You know it’s a slow sports season when ESPN is showing women’s college softball, and you’re not even upset.
19. You know it’s a really slow sports season when ESPN is showing women’s college softball, you flip on a game and say, “Damn, Michigan’s playing already? I thought their game didn’t start until 3.”
20. If you haven’t bet on the New York Liberty at 10-1 odds to win the WNBA title, well I hate to say it, but you’re missing out.
21. With my birthday less than six weeks away, one thing I won’t be asking for is Season 1 of Teen Mom on DVD.
22. Speaking of bad TV, with the advent of Basketball Wives, why hasn’t VH1 come out with a spin-off called something like Baby Momma Drama. It could feature some prominent NBA player voting off one pregnant woman a week, for 10 weeks, before determining which is the one actually carrying his child. It would be like Maury, mixed with Hoop Dreams, and could even be hosted by Jeff Van Gundy.
At the very least, it’d have to be better than the T.O. Show, right?
23. One more TV thought: Does it make me a bad person that after watching one episode of Khloe and Lamar, I kinda, sorta wanna see their marriage fail?
24. Random NBA Thought: Is a postseason without Zach Randolph, really a postseason worth having?
25. It’s safe to say you miss college football when you spend a Friday night alone in the dark, with a gallon of chocolate ice cream, watching the Navy spring game on CBS College Sports.
I’m not saying that was me last Friday night. I’m not saying it wasn’t either.
26. After spending time in Southern California and Arizona the last few months, I’ve got to say that trying to find really good Mexican food anywhere in this country besides those two places, is a lot like chasing Big Foot. Sure it might exist. I’m just sure it’s not worth the time to look.
27. Did I mention I hate Chris Rose? I did say that, right?
28. Until Manny Pacquiao fights Floyd Mayweather, you won’t ever see me talk boxing on this website. Period. That’s a promise.
29. You'll also never hear me talk about, “Will Villanova join the Big East in football,” which has become like going to the de
ntist for me. I don’t care how it ends, I just want it to be over.
30. Sadly, I’ve finally reached the point in my life where there just aren’t enough hours in the day to care about baseball.
31. On a similar subject, is ESPN really still trying to shove MLS soccer down our throats? If Posh Beckham couldn’t get us to watch, nothing will.
32. Staying with soccer, as much as I loathe the MLS, I am kinda bummed there’ll be no World Cup this year. Are we sure we just can’t play that thing every summer?
33. If the reaction to Ray Lewis’ comments on crime and the lockout proved anything yesterday, it’s that when Ray Lewis speaks, people listen. At this point, I fully expect Lewis to run for President sometime between now and 2025, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wins. The dude has that kinda pull.
34. I’m going to take a controversial stand here: If my future wife ever asks me to walk my kid around on a leash, I’m divorcing her, taking the kid and moving out of the country. There, I said it.
35. Isn’t The Hangover 2, the ultimate, “God that looks awful and I have no desire to see it…but I know I’ll end up plunking down the $10.50 anyway,” movie of the summer?
36. Confession time: It was a dark day in my life when Colin Cowherd’s sitcom script didn’t get picked up by CBS. I was so upset I didn’t get out of bed for a week.
37. Speaking of ESPN, you all heard there’s a book called, “Those Guys Have All The Fun,” coming out tomorrow, that takes a detailed look inside the company, right?
As much as I’m looking forward to the Bill Simmons and Erin Andrews chapters, I’ve got to admit that I’m not looking forward to the Michael Kim chapter nearly as much.
38. Credit to CBS’ Gregg Doyel for saying what I was thinking in regard to Lance Armstrong. Whether you think he’s innocent or guilty, has anyone been sold out by more “friends,” than he has?
39. This just in: Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are getting married. I feel like there’s a good joke in there somewhere, I’m just not totally positive what it is.
40. Forget Yankees-Mets, nothing to me says Interleague play, quite like Twins-Diamondbacks.
41. Staying on Interleague play for a second, why does baseball always have to always go and mess with a good thing? Honestly, as cool as Red Sox-Cubs was, they couldn’t have waited two weeks on it? The opening weekend of interleague play should always be about the real rivalries; Cubs-White Sox, Yankees-Mets, A’s-Giants, and filling in the gaps from there. As the old adage goes, “Keep it simple stupid.” Yes, I’m talking to you Bud.
42. Speaking of Cubs-Red Sox, as I watched last night’s game, I couldn’t help but think one thing… “Wait, Darwin Barney is white? Since when?”
43. Moving on, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Forget LeBron, Michael Vick or Blake Griffin, the Man vs. Food host is the greatest athlete America has ever produced. The fact that this guy hasn’t dropped dead of a massive heart attack is a mystery of modern science.
44. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I’ve got a confession: I’ve actually grown to like Lowell Galindo.
Shh, I said to keep it quiet!
45. At this point, after everything that’s happened, would anyone blame Butch Davis if he put out a hit on Marvin Austin?
46. Look, I like Jay Bilas. I think he’s funny. But until he starts following someone on Twitter (really anyone will do), I refuse to follow him myself.
47. I heard a rumor this weekend, but can’t verify if it’s true or not. Does the PGA Tour actually play tournaments between the Masters and U.S. Open? I did a Google search and everything, and came up with nothing.
48. It finally happened: After watching three hours of ESPNU’s NBA Draft combine coverage, I had to step back and re-evaluate everything in my life.
49. Having lived through the Whalers leaving Hartford, I’m never happy to see any professional sports franchise relocate. But with that said, hockey seemed to fit in in Atlanta, about as well as I would at a Seattle Storm championship parade. Which is to say, not well at all.
50. One final thought: Is there anything cooler in sports than relegation in the English Premier League? It makes getting with NCAA sanctions seem like a Girl Scout retreat in the woods.
** Note: In the process of writing this article, two of my favorite 'Random Thoughts,' somehow got left out of this article. They read as follows:
51. So word leaked last week that in total, Charlie Weis' buyout from Notre Dame will pay him $6.6 million through 2015. Not bad. And I've gotta say, I'm no math major, but I sure do feel like that's got to buy a lot of "Grand Slam Breakfasts" at Denny's in the future.
52. Quick, what's the over/under on number of episodes of Franklin and Bash before TNT cancels the show? I'm not sure what it is, but I wouldn't be totally betting the over at 2.5
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