Folks, we are closing in on Signing Day, which means it’s time to break out one of my favorite column gimmicks of the entire year: It’s time for my “Fake Recruiting Pitches.”
For those of you who haven’t been to the website before, well, the Fake Recruiting Pitches are exactly what they sound like: My best guess at what every coach in major college football says to recruits in the lead-up to National Signing Day.
Sure, most are a little far-fetched. And no, most coaches wouldn’t be caught dead saying the twisted stuff that goes through my head. At the same time, this is supposed to be fun and quite possibly the least serious thing you’ll read all week. If not all. It’s also safe to say that if you want serious recruiting news, well, there are a hundred other places to go and get that.
Either way, enjoy the “Fake Recruiting Pitches.” And as always, feel free to share yours in the comments section below.
Florida: Hi, I’m Will Muschamp... and no, I’m not ashamed to admit it: I terrify small children, senior citizens and household plants. While we’re on the subject, before you commit to my Florida Gators, you should probably know that I’ll likely make you cry within your first 15 minutes on campus, and there’s a reasonable chance that you’ll quit football before the end of the first practice. But still...
Wait, what was I saying again?
By the way, you didn’t happen to catch the Sugar Bowl a couple weeks back, did you?
Georgia: Hi, I’m Mark Richt... and I’m proud to call myself the only coach in America who can win 11 games, beat Florida, kick ass in a bowl game and still have half my fan-base hate my guts!!
I guess what I’m trying to say is: It’s a great time to be a Dawg!
Kentucky: Hi, I’m Mark Stoops... and let’s be real here: I did more in my opening press conference than Butch Jones has done in three months on the job.
I’m not saying we’re going to win the SEC anytime soon or anything. But it ain’t going to be 25 years before we beat UT again. Go Cats!!
Missouri: Hi, I’m Gary Pinkel...and well, unless you enjoy getting beat by 50 every week and spending the holidays around family instead of at bowl games, I can’t think of one damn reason to come to Missouri.
Whose damn idea was it to come to the SEC, anyway? I need a glass of wine.
South Carolina: Hi, I’m Steve Spurrier... and, umm, have you seen Jadeveon Clowney? Come to South Carolina, and you won’t have to play against him one single time next year.
On a different note, do you like golf son?
Tennessee: Hi, I’m Butch Jones... and I can’t lie, this whole “SEC” thing is way harder than I thought.
Thankfully my athletic department is so broke it’ll be three years before anyone can even think about firing me, and another two after that before they actually make the move. Boo-YAH!!!
Vanderbilt: Hi, I’m James Franklin... and if you come to Vanderbilt, not only are you going to win a crap ton of games and get a quality education, but if I like you, I might even give some pointers on talking to the ladies.
After all, I don’t recruit players who date ugly women.
Alabama: Hi, I’m Nick Saban... and I know I say it every year but as much as I’d love to shake your hand, all these darn rings just keep getting in the way.
By the way, do you like winning National Championships, son?
Auburn: Hi, I’m Gus Malzahn... and well, did you see Auburn without me last year?
You did? Good. I’ll see you at practice August 2.
Arkansas: Hi, I’m Bret Bielema... and I can’t lie, my time here has gotten off to a pretty rocky start. My roster is thinner than a Victoria’s Secret model. I’ve had more wins on Twitter than I’ve had on the recruiting trail. And shoot, if Petrino couldn’t ever beat Saban, what chance to do I stand?
At the same time- and I hate to brag- but have you seen my wife? Shoot, I half wish they’d just fire me right now so I could go hang out on the beach with her somewhere.
LSU: Hi, I’m Les Miles... and hey, did you happen to see the NFL’s early entry list by the way? I’m not saying you can step in here and play right away, but... wait a second. That’s exactly what I’m trying to say!
Ole Miss: Hi, I’m Hugh Freeze... and son, I’m just gonna be blunt with you: Six months ago I would’ve kissed your feet the moment you walked in the room. Shoot, two months ago I would’ve offered your best friend a scholarship just to get you to pick up my phone call. But now? If you don’t commit, well shoot, what do I care? I’ve got four other five-star guys ready to take your spot.
So you want to be a Rebel or not, my man?
Mississippi State: Hi, I’m Dan Mullen... and let me tell you, nobody beats Middle Tennessee State like the Mississippi State Bulldogs do!!
(//Drops his head in shame//)
No, I have no comment on that “School up North.”
Texas A&M: Hi, I’m Kevin Sumlin... and you know that Johnny Manziel guy? Yeah, I was winning 11 games a year long before you or LeBron had any idea who he was, and I fully plan on winning 11 games a year long after he’s gone too.
Besides, what’s a better alternative than A&M at this point? Texas?
Illinois: Hi, I’m Tim Beckham...and to all the doubters who said I couldn’t be worse than Ron Zook, well, who’s getting the last laugh now?
Indiana: Hi, I’m Kevin Wilson.... and by any chance, do remember that two second window when we had a chance to win the Big Ten this past year?
You don’t? Shoot. Think it’s too late for me to go back to Oklahoma?
Iowa: Hi, I’m Kirk Ferentz...and don’t believe what the media tells you: You will not tear your ACL simply by stepping on Iowa’s campus.
Well, unless you’re a running back....
... Wait, what’s that?
You’re a running back? Crap.
Michigan: Hi, I’m Brady Hoke...and I’m just gonna be real with you: It took all of one year for me to lose the Big Ten to Urban Meyer. Come to think of it, I may never beat “Ohio” again. Not to mention that the whole “wearing a short sleeve shirt in cold weather” shtick is getting old. Even my wife told me to put on a jacket the other day.
But hey, did you see Denard Robinson in the Senior Bowl? How awesome was that!
Michigan State: Hi, I’m Mark Dantonio... and, what’s that? No, I don’t plan on smiling at any point in your four years on campus here. You have a problem with that?
Nebraska: Hi, I’m Bo Pelini... and because Aaron’s a lazy, inconsiderate jerk, he’s just going to copy and paste exactly what he said last year about me. Here’s what he said:
Hi, I’m Bo Pelini… And I’ll be frank: If you choose any school other than Nebraska, I will hunt down every last one of your family members, strangle them with my bare hands, then run them over with my car… just because I’m sick like that. And if you think I’m kidding, go ahead and test me. I dare you.
On a different note, do you plan on moving to campus for spring ball or summer workouts?
It’s crazy that as much as things change, they stay the same, huh?
Northwestern: Hi, I’m Pat Fitzgerald...and if you don’t mind me saying, I really think our purple uniforms would really bring out those hazel eyes of yours.
Wait, was that weird?
Ohio State: Hi, I’m Urb---... aww screw it. I know who you are, and more importantly you know who I am. My track record speaks for itself. I have Tebow, Harvin and Cam on Lines 1, 2 and 3, of my speed dial and even Harbaugh didn’t do half as much with Alex Smith as I did.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, are you going to sign here at Ohio State or what? Because I’ve got 250 guys just itching to take your spot on my roster, and I’ve got a golf game in 10 minutes, so let’s not waste each other’s time.
You plan on faxing over your letter of intent? Or scanning and e-mailing?
Penn State: Hi, I’m Bill O’Brien...and you have my personal guarantee that I WILL NOT leave Penn State for the NFL!!!
Well, at least not until I get offered a real job, anyway. I mean the Cleveland Browns? Come on! I’d rather coach in Canada than coach those losers.
Wait, what was I saying again?
Purdue: Hi, I’m Darrell Hazell... and chances are you probably don’t know me. But what I can tell you is that not only do I plan on kicking ass and taking names in this conference, but I’m going to do it without the goofy mustache that loser coach before me had.
Come to Purdue!
Wisconsin: Hi, I’m Gary Andersen... and son, I’m guessing that not only did you probably never see me coach at Utah State, but that you can’t even find Utah on a map. You don’t strike me as very bright.
But that’s beside the point. Just go ahead and Google my name and “Idaho Potato Bowl.” I’m not gonna lie, I’m kind of a big deal. And if you don’t mind me saying, I plan on winning a lot of games here at this fine institution.
Cal: Hi, I’m Sonny Dykes... and I’ll tell you what, I can’t think of a coach at a major college football program with less pressure on him than I have. Crap, I’m pretty sure that half my own fans couldn’t even pick me out of a police line-up.
So come to Cal! Or don’t, I don’t really care. Nobody’s going to notice anyway!
Oregon: Hi, I’m Mark Helfich... and like that guy above, half my own fan-base doesn’t even know what I look like. The only difference between me and that sucker is my fans still expect me to win 11 games next year!
I guess what I’m saying is...
(slowly removes his ball cap and scratches his head)
... wait, what the hell did I get myself into here?
Oregon State: Hi, I’m Mike Riley... and I’m not bragging or anything, but did you see that video of me riding my bike to work? That was pretty neat, wasn’t it?
Stanford: Hi, I’m David Shaw... and if you come to Stanford, not only are you going to win a lot of games, but I can personally guarantee that I won’t raise my voice at you once. Actually, I won’t raise my voice at all. Come to think of it, these are the first words I’ve spoken in six months.
Hey, did ya see the Rose Bowl by the way?
Washington: Hi, I’m Steve Sarkisian... and there isn’t a team in college football which consistently wins seven games a year in the consistently boring way we do here at Washington! Want to be a Husky?
Washington State: Hi I’m Mike Leach... and ok, I’ll admit it: If you come to Wazzu there’s at least a 60 percent chance that by the time you leave school, you’ll have accused me of either verbal or physical abuse.
But... hey, want to check out my pirate sword?
Arizona: Hi, I’m Rich Rodriguez.... and fine, I’m just going to tell you like it is: Other than the weather and the girls, there isn’t much that separates us from just about every school in the country. Heck, once basketball season starts, people forget we have a football program.
At the same time- and I hate to brag- but who looks better in a sombrero than I do?
Arizona State: Hi, I’m Todd Graham... and here at Arizona State, we spent the 2011 season proving the doubters wrong!!
What’s that? Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl? No, I wasn’t talking about that. More so the fact that I actually made it through a whole calendar year without switching jobs!
Although, actually, wait a second. Wasn’t my agent saying something about the Arena League the other day? I really should listen to that voicemail.
Colorado: Hi, I’m Mike MacIntyre... and while I probably shouldn’t say this, if you come to Colorado, there’s a 100 percent chance you see the field in 2013. I mean did you see that team last year? Good God were those guys bad!!
UCLA: Hi, I’m Jim Mora... and you don’t want to spend the next four years playing for that Kiffin guy, do you? Shoot, you even think he’ll be there for four years as it is?
Yeah, me neither. I’ll see you at fall camp August 2.
USC: Hi, I’m Lane Kiffin... and...
(//Storms out of the room before he can even make his recruiting pitch//)
Boston College: Hi, I’m Frank Spaziani...and...
God dammit, people!! I’m not Frank Spaziani! I’m Steve Addazio. Geez, do you people care about Boston College football at all?
Screw it, I’m going back to Temple.
Clemson: Hi, I’m Dabo Swinney.... and I know Torres wants to crack bad jokes, and let him. Shoot, what do I care? We just beat LSU in the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. We’ve got Tajh Boyd coming back next year. And when you get a minute, just do yourself a favor and Google “Clemson girls.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is, here at Clemson, we’re basically an SEC school, at this point. Only without the tough schedule. So you ready to be a Tiger yet, or what son?
Florida State: Hi, I’m Jimbo Fisher.... and I’ll be blunt: I can’t quite tell you whether we’ve overachieved, underachieved or sideways achieved these last few years. What I can tell you is that no matter what happens next year, hey at least E.J. Manuel’s gone!
Wait, did I just say that out loud?
Maryland: Hi, I’m Randy Edsall... and yeah, I’ll admit it: I have the personality of a door knob. Most of our “fans” masquerade as empty seats at our games. And things are only going to get worse once we move to the Big Ten in two years.
But hey, what do I care? I’m probably going to get fired long before then anyway!
NC State: Hi, I’m Dave Doeren... and I’m such an unknown that, shoot, I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror this morning.
At the same time, after speaking to you for all of eight seconds, aren’t I already more likeable than the last guy?
Syracuse: Hi, I’m Scot Shafer... and, well, who am I kidding: I’m like 98 percent sure I only got this job because Syracuse’s athletic department was too broke to hire a search firm when Marrone left town.
Wake Forest: Hi, I’m Jim Grobe... and I’m just going to be real with you: My time at Wake Forest has slowly turned into an unhappy marriage. I don’t win football games, but nobody cares enough to fire me. It’s miserable. At this point, I’m just counting down the days until I die. Or they shut down the program entirely. Whichever comes first. I mean at this point, who cares. You know?
Hey, any chance I can bum a cigarette off you?
Duke: Hi, I’m David Cutcliffe....and... no, go ahead and make your lame “when does basketball season start” joke. No, seriously, I bet it’s really funny. And original.
At the same time, guess what? That trip to the Belk Bowl last year didn’t happen by accident either.
Georgia Tech: Hi, I’m Paul Johnson... and hey, did you catch our Sun Bowl victory? Sure we needed a waiver to get into the game. And yes, USC rolled over like a dog on a hot summer day. But I’m telling you guys, option football can work!!
Miami: Hi, I’m Al Golden... and yes, my sweat-drenched white dress shirt even disgusts me at this point.
But hey, anything to take away from those pending NCAA sanctions, right?
North Carolina: Hi, I’m Larry Fedora... and I mean seriously, was anyone’s club more under the radar than mine was in 2012? Crap, even I couldn’t tell you how many wins and losses we had, and I swear I was attended at least half those games!
So, you ready to be a Tar Heel?
Pitt: Hi, I’m Paul Chryst... and no program in college football combines a completely average product on the field with more BBVA Compass Bowl swag than we do.
Speaking of which, what are your thoughts on spending New Year’s in Birmingham, son?
Virginia: Hi, I’m Mike London... and honestly, from a football perspective, we really can’t offer you anything special. At the same time, do you really want to spend the next four years of your life in Blacksburg?
Virginia Tech: Hi, I’m Frank Beamer... and I’m here to promise you that after a disappointing 2012, things will be back to normal in 2013!!
And by “normal” what I mean is that no school will win a crap ton of games, in a less compelling fashion than we do! Beamer Ball forever!!
Baylor: Hi, I’m Art Briles... and if you think Urban Meyer or Chip Kelly is an offensive genius, let’s see them try and win eight games with Nick Florence as their quarterback!
Iowa State: Hi, I’m Paul Rhodes... and I mean, you already know what my pitch is, don’t you?
Say it with me now: “I am SO PROUD OF YOUUUUUUUUU.”
Kansas: Hi, I’m Charlie Weis...and... what?
Do I want breadsticks with that? Darn it, did I dial Dominoes again by accident?
On second thought, you know? Breadsticks would be great.
Kansas State: Hi, I’m Bill Snyder...and... son, are you smiling? Please tell me you aren’t smiling. There is nothing fun about playing football at Kansas State. G-Rated movies are fun. Vanilla ice cream on a plain waffle cone is fun. Watching PBS on a Saturday night is fun.
But football? There’s nothing fun about football son. At least not at Kansas State.
Oklahoma: Hi, I’m Bob Stoops...and believe me, no one is more excited to see Landry Jones go off to the NFL than I am.
Oklahoma State: Hi, I’m Mike Gundy... and... what’s that?
No, I’m not 40. I’m actually 45.
(//Shrugs his shoulders//)
Yes, I’ll do the voice...
TCU: Hi, I’m Gary Patterson... and let me tell you: TCU is the only institution in America that can offer you a top flight education, excellence on the football field, and the opportunity to hang out with Casey Pachall each and every weekend.
And I mean really, what’s better than that?
Texas: Hi, I’m Mack Brown... and... it’s a great time to be a Tex—
Aww, who am I kidding? It’s a terrible time to be a Texas Longhorn. I might be “retiring” within the next year. The Big XII is closing in on us. And Kevin Sumlin simply terrifies me. Plus I can’t escape those terrible “Johnny Manziel safety” jokes anywhere I go.
Hey, think there’s a chance Muschamp will come back to be my coach in waiting?
Yeah, I didn’t think so either.
Texas Tech: Hi, I’m Kliff Kingsbury... and I’m just gonna be real with you, bro: Even I’m not totally sure how I’ll be as a coach. Or a recruiter. But what I can tell you is...
...Wait, is that your mom over there? She seeing anybody?
Hey, stay right here man. I’ll be right back.
West Virginia: Hi, I’m Dana Holgorsen... and nobody loves chuggin’ Red Bull and... Ok, who am I kidding? That shtick was a lot funnier when I was winning games, wasn’t it?
By the way, any chance you know someone who might want to be our defensive coordinator?
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