I’m just going to be real with you here for a second: If you’re looking for some quality college football recruiting coverage, Aaron Torres Sports simply is not the place for you (although, we are doing some things at the other site I work for, CrystalBallRun.com). I’m not saying I’m a busy guy per se, but the idea of tracking a bunch of 17-year-old kids, more than half of which will never make any tangible impact on the college level, just doesn’t sound all that appealing to me. Especially when I’ve got more important things to do… like watch re-runs of How I Met Your Mother, for example.
Still, this whole recruiting frenzy does kind of make me wonder, and think how much fun it’d be to be a recruited athlete. Beyond just the bags of cash, free trips and endless girls (boooooring), I’m always curious what it’d be like to have a Nick Saban or Lane Kiffin in your house, pitching the merits of their school to you. What would they say? How would they act? Do you think Les Miles likes dogs?
Which is why in the lead-up Signing Day, I’ve decided to do something different here at ATS. Rather than pretend like I know a damn thing about any of these recruits, I’m going to instead focus on the guys that I do know, the coaches. And in one paragraph or less, I’m going to try my best to sum up what I think they might say, and what their top selling points might be.
In Part I today, I’ll look at the coaches of the SEC, Pac-12 and Big East and tomorrow I encourage you to come back with Part II, evaluating those from the ACC, Big Ten and Big XII.
Here goes:SEC West:
Alabama: Hi, I’m Nick Saban… And…Son, I’m sorry. I’d love to shake your hand, but all these darn rings just keep getting in the way.
Arkansas: Hi I’m Bobby Petrino… And I’ll be blunt: You won’t see me smile once during your time on campus. If you play defense, I may not even bother to learn your name. But what I can promise you is that we’ll win a crap-ton of games while you’re on here. Woooo Pig-Sooie!
Auburn: Hi, I’m Gene Chizik… And is there any better way to spend the next four years than hanging with my man Trooper Taylor? Boo-yah!
LSU: Hi, I’m Les Miles… And I’m more beloved than the Queen of England. My guys have fun. We win ball games. Name me one good reason why you wouldn’t want to come to LSU.
Ole Miss: Hi, I’m Hugh Freeze… And come on, you don't really want to go to college in Starkville, do you?
Mississippi State: Hi, I’m Dan Mullen… And I don’t know if you heard, but I kinda know that Tim Tebow guy everybody is always talking about. No big deal or anything…
Texas A&M: Hi, I’m Kevin Sumlin… And if going 6-6 and to the Music City Bowl every sounds appealing to you, then Texas A&M is the place to be!
Florida: Hi, I’m Will Muschamp… And if you come to Florida… what… you think something’s FUNNY??? YOU LAUGHING??? COME AT ME, SON!!?!?!!!!! I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!! Woah, sorry, I got a little excited there for a second. What were we talking about again?
Georgia: Hi, I’m Mark Richt… And if I coach you up half as well as I kiss my wife, you’ll be in good hands in Athens.
Kentucky: Hi, I’m Joker Phillips… And you should seriously consider Kentucky. Sure, we might not be able to throw the ball. Or run it. And our defense is well, average at best…but…Hey, do you like basketball?
Missouri: Hi, I’m Gary Pinkel… And we’re the only school is this darn conference that can guarantee you early playing time, and snow on the ground by mid-September. You can’t get that in Gainesville, can ya?
South Carolina: Hi, Steve Spurrier… And I hate to brag, but there isn’t a ball-coach in the country that’s finer with a six-iron than I am. Do ya like golf, son?
Tennessee: Hi I’m Derek Dooley… And I’ll tell ya this: Nobody celebrates wins over Vandy harder than we do! No-BODY!
Vanderbilt: Hi I’m James Franklin… And I’m just gonna throw it out there: Every coach in this conference is freakin’ terrified of me. Just sayin’.
Cal: Hi, I’m Jeff Tedford… And ok, I’ll admit it: Since Aaron Rodgers left campus half a decade ago, I wouldn’t exactly call myself “relevant” per se. But... you have heard of Aaron Rodgers, right?
Oregon: Hi, I’m Chip Kelly… And I can’t promise you I’ll be here all four years. But as long as I am here you’ve got a guarantee: No school in America combines wins on the field with sheer and utter recklessness off it like we do. And even if I do leave, hell, have you seen our uniforms?
Oregon State: Hi, I’m Mike Riley… And ok, I’ll admit it, Corvallis might not be Eugene, Boulder or Los Angeles. But hey, at least it’s not Pullman, right?
Stanford: Hi, I’m David Shaw… And I promise if you come to Stanford, not only will I never raise my voice at you, I might not speak at all. Actually, these are the first words that have come out of my mouth in six months.
Washington: Hi, I’m Steve Sarkisian… And you have my word: Not only is Nick Holt no longer on our coaching staff, he’s not allowed within the state’s borders.
Washington State: Hi, I’m Mike Leach… And son if you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you a thing or two about pirate ships. You have a minute?
Arizona: Hi, I’m Rich Rodriguez… And the good news is that no matter how bad things get for me, it can’t be worse than the last place I was at. (//gets choked up and slowly wipes away a tear from his eye)
Arizona State: Hi, I’m Todd Graham… And you’ve got my personal guarantee: I will be the coach here at Arizona State for at least one full, calendar year. Add in the weather and girls, and does it get any better than that?
Colorado: Hi, I’m Jon Embree… And I must say, there isn’t a place in America where you’ll have more fun going 4-8 every year than right here in Boulder, CO.
UCLA: Hi, I’m Jim Mora… And I know you don’t know me… But I assure you, there’s no way I can be worse than the last guy.
USC: Hi, I’m Lane Kiffin… And… Havvvvvvvvvve ya met Matt Barkley?
Utah: Hi, I’m Kyle Wittingham… And if you’d like a side of not drinking (or hooking up with girls) to go along with your football, Utah is the place for you!
Cincinnati: Hi, I’m Butch Jones… And I promise you that I’ll be here at least one more year… before I unceremoniously bolt for a bigger job. That’s just what we Cincinnati coaches do, after all.
Louisville: Hi, I’m Charlie Strong… And not only do I kick ass and take names, but let’s be real here: Nobody looks better in a hoodless sweatshirt than I do.
Pittsburgh: Hi, I’m Paul Chryst… And it feels good knowing that no matter what I do, I can’t possibly be more hated than the last guy.
Rutgers: Hi, I’m Greg Schiano… And my program plateaued three years ago… I mean, so, have you ever been to Newark in October? It really is a sight to be seen.
South Florida: Hi, I’m Skip Holtz… And that ‘Dr. Lou’ guy you see on TV? Yeah, I know him.
Syracuse: Hi, I’m Doug Marrone… And if going 7-5 in a front of a half-empty stadium, in a city that’s gray and snowy nine months out of the year sounds fun to you, come to Syracuse!
UConn: Hi, I’m Paul Pasqualoni… And having been here for a year now, I can tell you, Connecticut is only 60 percent as miserable in the winter as Syracuse is!
West Virginia: Hi, I’m Dana Holgorsen… And I’ll be honest, I have no idea who or where we’ll be playing next year. So, umm, can I grab you a beer?
Also for his continued take on all things sports, and updates on his articles, podcasts and giveaways, be sure to follow Aaron on Twitter @Aaron_Torres)