| 20 June 2011
Blame Rory McIlroy.
After spending last week running around like a housewife with her hair on fire, I made sure to clear my schedule Sunday to watch the final round of the U.S. Open. What a nice, relaxing way to spend Fathers Day, right?
Well, sort of. If by “relaxing,” you mean boring.
Sorry but it’s true. As much as I enjoy golf, and as much as I love the media fawning over Rory McIlroy like a sorority girl at a frat party, Sunday really didn’t bring much to the table. Well, unless you were looking to take a nap…or actually spend time with your dad on Father’s Day. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t for all of us.
Anyway, with five hours of my afternoon all of a sudden clear, I started browsing the internet (and no, not for anything like that), when I came across this video on YouTube from last year’s Tennessee-LSU game.
Wow.
It’s funny, because when that game actually happened, I remember writing that it was “just about the worst loss I could ever imagine,” but after seeing it again, it seemed almost worse. Kind of like watching a 10-car pile-up unfold in front of your eyes, only if you knew what the crash was coming, it happened in slow motion, and you weren’t allowed to turn away. Tennessee fans, I’m truly, truly sorry.
Of course at the same time, you can’t talk about that game without talking Les Miles.
Understand that I love Les Miles about as much as one man can platonically love another. I love his Hat. I love all the goofy trick plays that somehow, inexplicably work. I love the postgame interviews. And apparently I’m not the only one who loves him. Last week while I was doing a radio interview, the host brought Miles up completely out of the blue, and we ended up having a five minute conversation about him. Why did we do that? Because he’s freakin’ Les Miles, that’s why. No further explanation needed.
Either way, after watching the Tennessee-LSU clip yesterday, I got to thinking some more about Les. And completely randomly, I thought to myself, “Imagine if Les Miles were the President of the United States?” I guess that’s the kind of stuff you think about when the final round of the U.S. Open is over before it actually begins, huh?
Regardless, we’ve got to talk about something during these slow summer months, so why not the Mad Hatter himself?
Here’s what I think the world would look like if Les Miles were President. And I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments section as well.
If Les Miles were President… Secret Service would begin communicating with tin cans and string.
If Les Miles were President… America would sell Manhattan back to the Lepage Indians for $24 in beads.
If Les Miles were President… He’d mistake “Libya,” as the winner of last season’s American Idol.
If Les Miles were President… Actual seals would’ve joined the Navy in the raid of Osama bin Laden’s compound.
If Les Miles were President… Trips to the “Middle East,” would include stops in Pittsburgh, Cleveland and Philadelphia.
If Les Miles were President… He’d be the first President to bring a sleeping bag, tent and marshmallows to Camp David.
If Les Miles were President… The oval office would be cleared of all furniture…to play horseshoes.
If Les Miles were President… Prisoners at Guantanamo Bay would no longer be subjected to traditional torture. Instead, they’d be forced to watch Jordan Jefferson’s highlight tape.
If Les Miles were President… The White House Correspondents Dinner would be hosted at Dave and Buster’s.
If Les Miles were President… Strictly by accident, America would invade Canada at least twice a year.
If Les Miles were President… He’d name Gary Crowton Secretary of the Treasury, at which point unemployment would sky-rocket to 50 percent. Yet incredibly, the nation’s GDP would rise 85 percent as well.
If Les Miles were President… He would call Congressional hearings to discuss topics like, “Hey, you guys seeThe Office,” last night?
If Les Miles were President… He would’ve tried to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill by dipping bread in it.
If Les Miles were President… Jim Tressel would be appointed a Supreme Court Justice, strictly because he looks so damn smart in those glasses.
If Les Miles were President... The nation would go into further debt, after Miles purchased a bunch of unidentified “Cool, shiny stuff.”
If Les Miles were President… Each state would be allowed to elect a third Senator, who would “grey shirt” and be eligible to take office next term.
If Les Miles were President… Overnight, the Pentagon would become a six-sided building.
If Les Miles were President… He’d start giggling uncontrollably anytime he heard the name “Anthony Weiner” (Come to think of it, he might do that right now).
If Les Miles were President… He’d be the first President to ever play with a model of Air Force One, while actually flying on Air Force One.
If Les Miles Were President… The Koala bear would replace the Bald Eagle as America’s national symbol. Why? Because according to our President, “They’re just so darn cute.”
If Les Miles were President… Thinking that it was due to faulty bus schedules, the “No Child Left Behind,” would get redacted.
If Les Miles were President… He’d offend women everywhere by accidentally asking Sarah Palin the first time he met her, “What time do you think dinner will be ready by.”
If Les Miles were President… The grass on the White House lawn would need to be re-planted weekly.
If Les Miles were President… Foreign policy would come down to, “Are we getting Indian or Thai food tonight?”
If Les Miles were President… The Constitution would get ruined when he spilled his morning bowl of Captain Crunch on it.
And finally…
If Les Miles were President… Greenwich Mean Time would be altered by six seconds to allow for clock run off.
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