Written by Aaron Torres | 24 August 2011

As I’ve mentioned many times on this website, there aren’t many people who love college football more than I do. Oh, some of you may love it the same. But it’s darn near impossible to love it more. Really, I love everything about the sport: Gameday, tailgates, even that little pain-in-the-butt Lane Kiffin. As far as I’m concerned, the only thing better than a fall football Saturday on the couch, is a fall football Saturday at the stadium.

With that said, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have other interests. After all, I like…wait a second, what do I like? The more I think about it, there isn’t much actually. I don’t shop at all. I don't travel enough. And at this point, I’m barely even watching TV. I mean, when my only choices on a Wednesday night are Basketball Wives, House Hunters and The Big Bang Theory, can you really blame me? Sticking a plastic bag over my head and waiting to pass out seems much more entertaining.

Of the few shows I watch, my favorite is probably Entourage. It’s one those shows that isn’t really that good, but isn’t totally bad, and always does enough to keep me coming back next weekend. Just when I’m ready to give up on it, just when a storyline gets so stupid and farfetched…something happens, and boom, there I am anxiously awaiting next Sunday’s episode.

And really, the more I think about it, the more I realize that my favorite TV show is a lot like my favorite football conference, the SEC. Every team and character have their own storyline, every weekend feels like life and death, and just when you think you’ve seen it all… old Harvey Updyke goes and poisons some trees. Say what you want about Entourage and the SEC though, they are nothing if not compelling, and at the end of every week, you can’t help but think, “Man, next weekend can’t get here soon enough.”

Either way, with all the similarities between the two, I decided to scrap a regular Entourage season review, and switch things up, SEC style. Over the next several hundred words, I’m going to break down this season of Entourage character-for-character, along with the SEC team that most corresponds to them.

All the analogies aren’t perfect, but my guess is you’ll be surprised how fitting most of them are.

Let it begin…

Vince Chase and Alabama: Watch Entourage enough and the similarities between Vince and this year’s Crimson Tide club are stunning. Both are still the star of their shows, as Alabama is once again the favorite to win the SEC, and Vince still the straw that stirs the Entourage drink. Both were on top of the world as recently as two seasons ago when Vince starred in the Great Gatsby, and Alabama won the title. Roll Damn Tide.

But after an unexpected and precipitous downfall, both are scratching their heads, not sure how or if they’ll be able to get back to the top. For Alabama, a 10-3 season in 2010 wouldn’t have been so bad…if they weren’t an overwhelming favorite to win a national title (Hell, with the talent they had, they probably could’ve won the NFC West last year too). And even this year, they’re not totally “Alabama,” yet either. Sure most everyone has them in the top five nationally, and some think they’re going to win the title. But really, how confident can you be in a team that hasn’t even named their starting quarterback with a week left before the season starts?

As for Vince, his mojo is in a similar place to where Alabama’s was after the Auburn loss last year. Sure he still looks like Vince Chase and acts like Vince Chase, but watch closely, and he still isn’t totally Vince Chase either. Hell, did you see his awkward pursuit of the reporter in last week’s episode? The old Vinnie chase woulda closed on her like a cheetah tracking down an antelope in the wilderness. The new Vinnie Chase couldn’t even get her to make eye contact with him.

Needless to say, I still like both to come out on top. But it won’t be nearly as easy for either as everyone thinks.

Johnny Drama and LSU: Honestly I love this analogy, since really, is there one better word to describe LSU than “Drama.” There’s drama every time they line up to punt. Drama whenever they have the ball with under a minute to go. Drama when they’re rotating quarterbacks like most people rotate their front end tires. And now there’s drama in the lead-up to their game against Oregon. While the allegations against Jordan Jefferson are no joke, doesn’t it always seem like LSU seems to get out of these things alive and unscathed?

The other reason I love this analogy is because honestly, everything is just more entertaining when each is involved. With Johnny Drama himself, you never know when he’s going to fly off the cuff, take a swing at someone or give them a hug, and in some cases, do all three in the same sequence. It’s the same with LSU. Watch them any Saturday and you will run the full gauntlet of emotions. From excited, to anxious, to scared, to dumfounded, to confused, to elated…and that’s all before the first quarter ends.

Not to mention, isn’t the world just a better place when these two are prominently involved in your weekend? I say so.

Ari and Florida: My how fast the mighty fall.

Go back a couple of years and both were untouchable. Ari was just about on top of the world, happily married, and crushing it alongside Barbara Miller at the Miller-Gold Agency (speaking of which, what the hell happened to Beverly D’Angelo? She was a sexpot as recently as like eight years ago in Vegas Vacation, but now the poor woman looks like Albert Haynesworth with a blonde wig on. Seriously, Beverly, I love you honey. But put the fork down and walk away from the dessert table. Please. For the sake of every guy my age who grew up worshiping the ground you walked on). Florida meanwhile was coming off a National Championship, and appeared to on their way to another, thanks to the left arm and virtuous soul of Tim Tebow.

Since then though? It’s been nothing short of disaster.

For one, Ari’s marriage has started to take on the look of John Brantley’s quarterbacking: sloppy, confusing, and more often than not, just straight painful to watch. He’s lost his lovely wife (more on her coming) and more importantly, has lost his mojo. This is definitely not the same “Clean off your desk, because you’re f***ing fired,” Ari Gold of two or three season ago. It’s a sadder, more sensitive version. Which makes me sad. I’d much rather see Ari making someone else cry, rather than crying himself.

Not that things are better at Florida, where Urban Meyer is now gone, and Will Muschamp is left to pick up the little left behind from last season. The Gators lost a ton of talent to the NFL, lost more when Janoris Jenkins was booted from school, and yet still somehow can’t find someone better than Brantley to play quarterback (Paging Jeff Driskel. Come in Jeff Driskel!). Granted, I trust Muschamp to get things done at UF long term. But right now this team has more holes in it than one of Darron Thomas’ alibies.

And I don’t see things getting better. No different than Ari.

Speaking of which…

Mrs. Ari and Tennessee: The biggest different between the Vols and Mrs. Ari, is that I'm actually enjoying the Vos resurrgence. As for Mrs. Ari? Well, quite frankly, I can't stand who she's become. After all those years when her husband broke his back so she could stay at home, not have to work and wear fancy jewelry all day, she’s basically turned into a cold-hearted witch this season. Not to mention this whole relationship she’s got going with Bobby Flay has me flustered. Honestly, I haven’t been able to eat steak in weeks because of it (Ok, maybe I’m not eating steak because I can’t afford it. Whatever, the point is, since they started dating, I haven’t had a single steak. And I blame her).

But whatever you think of Mrs. Ari’s actions, whether you think she’s turned into the wicked witch of West Hollywood or whether you’re screaming, “You go girl!” from your Oprah Book Club meeting, it’s hard to deny that Mrs. Ari has seemed empowered this year. Confident, maybe even. And she’s definitely got some swagger back. A lot like Tennessee actually.

Now by no means do I think that Derek Dooley’s boys are going to take the SEC East this year, or quite frankly, even come close. But for a program that was so good, for so much of my childhood, it has been a bit refreshing to see Tennessee look and act like Tennessee again. They’ve got confident young playmakers, and seem to really believe in themselves, something that’s definitely been lacking the last year…or three.

Turtle and Georgia: It wasn’t too long ago that they were both on top of their respective games. Turtle was turning Avion Tequila into a global behemoth, hanging out on Mark Cuban’s jet and dating the foxiest fox on the set of Entourage, Alex. Things were just about the same at Georgia, where as recently as 2008 they were the unanimous preseason No. 1 team in the country, and believed by many ready to compete for a National Championship.

Unfortunately, since those high and fast times, real life has kicked both in the teeth.

For Turtle, a good day turned disastrous, when both Alex and Avion dumped him, and as for the ‘Dawgs, well, since their “blackout,” loss against Alabama in 2008, the program hasn’t been the same. Who knew that when ‘Bama strength and conditioning coach Scott Cothran said “They’re wearing black because they’re going to their own mother*$#^ng funeral,” he was right? Things reached their boiling point in Athens with last year’s 6-7 finish, and needless to say, that if they have a similar record this year, Mark Richt will join Turtle in looking for work.

But to the credit of both, rather than whining, each is quietly back on the grind and trying to reverse their misfortunes. Turtle’s making moves with his Italian restaurant, and Richt has trimmed some of the fat around the program, and sent a few guys packing.

It’ll be a make-or-break next couple months for both. And they seem to be embracing it, rather than running from it.

Scott Lavin and South Carolina: As I’ve said to my buddies many times, “Entourage is a lot more entertaining with Scott on the show than without him.” And really, couldn’t you say the same about South Carolina? Isn’t college football a whole lot more fun when the Old Ball Coach, Stephen Garcia and (the apparently pregnant) Alshon Jeffery are in the mix? I say so.

But with both coming into their own, what’ll be interesting to see is if each can keep it up. I’m not so much worried about Scott really, since he seems to be getting cozy at Murphy-Lavin. But South Carolina? That's where I get concerned. An awful lot seemed to break right for the Gamecocks last year, and they still barely won the East by the skin of their teeth.

This year things shouldn’t be any easier, as the schedule is just as tough, and Stephen Garcia is still, well, Stephen Garcia. Let me put it to you this way: South Carolina may be entertaining, just like Scott is. But I’m guessing that a fictional character on a TV show is more likely to end up in Atlanta this December than the Gamecocks are.

Lloyd and Arkansas: This was supposed to be a big year for each. After years of grinding (and enduring a constant stream of offensive and grotesque jokes), it appeared as though Lloyd had finally earned the respect of Ari. At the same time, Bobby Petrino seemed to finally have his brand of football firmly in place in Fayetteville. After going to the Sugar Bowl last year (and losing, then later winning), 2011’s team was possibly his best yet.

But despite things looking up for each, it didn’t stay that way. Poor Lloyd has been pushed to the back-burner thanks to Ari’s marriage woes, and has gotten less attention this season than a girl with braces a college frat party. For my money, Lloyd is doing some of his best work yet, but with Ari’s head in the clouds, it seems to fall on mostly deaf ears.

Meanwhile, things aren’t much better in Fayetteville, where a dark horse National Championship contender got chopped down at the knees (or should we say ankles), with an injury to running back Knile Davis. Now the Hogs have to go to war against Alabama and LSU, without their most explosive offensive player.

Truthfully, I never thought I’d see the day where I felt bad for Bobby Petrino. But this is the year he’s been kinda, sorta building toward. It’s sad to see it end before it really started.

Sloan and Mississippi State: No doubt about it, I see what all the fuss is about. Between Sloan’s smile, her slender figure, and the way Dan Mullen teaches the spread option, there’s something to like for everyone. Well, unless you’re a female Ole Miss fan anyway.

At the same time, while each is the “sexy” pick in their own right, aren’t they both getting a bit too much hype? Sloan continues to stomp on E’s heart like she’s trying to kill a spider in her kitchen, and as good of a story as Mississippi State has been since Mullen came to town, people are quick to forget that they’ve won a grand total of two games in the SEC West in the last two years. Both were against Ole Miss, putting the Bulldogs record against Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and LSU at a sparkling 0-8 over the last two years.

Believe me, I understand the hype. I’d love to grab a beer with Mullen and then catch a little late night dessert with Sloan. But let’s pump the breaks just a little here ok?

Speaking of Sloan…

Terrance and Kentucky: I like the similarities here.

Sloan’s dad and E’s ex-future-father-in-law aren’t in every episode, just the same way that Kentucky isn’t relevant every single college football Saturday. At no point do you ever finish watching Entourage and say, “Damn, I coulda used me some more Terrance!” just like no college football fan outside Lexington ever sits down on a Saturday and says, “Hey, what channel is Kentucky on?”

At the same time, when these two want to be heard…boy are they heard!

In Terrance’s case, he’s a big-wig and isn’t afraid to show it, whether it’s bullying Ari in the office, or making another snide move to break-up his daughter and Eric. And really, that’s similar to Kentucky. They might not be as powerful as Terrance, and nine Saturday’s out of 10, you don’t even notice they’re there. But once a year, they do something that makes you stand up and say damn, “I didn’t see that coming at all.” Last year it was an upset win against South Carolina that nearly cost the Gamecocks the SEC East, and a few years before they got a win at Commonwealth Stadium that nearly cost LSU a National Championship.

Billy Walsh and Auburn: Full-disclosure: I’ve enjoyed this incarnation of Billy Walsh much more than the loony, drug-infused, stripper-loving one of yesteryear. The guy is just as intelligent, while also being able to look at things in a big picture sense. He’s working just as hard, and helping Vince get through his rehab, but also doing it with a clear head.

And really, that’s how I see Auburn this year. No, they’re the not the wild, 40-point scoring club of yesteryear, but at the same time, aren’t nearly as bad as everyone expects them to be either. They’ve got some good pieces returning from last year, and brought back their entire coaching staff, the biggest reason to believe they’ll exceed expectations. And if you’re worried about Barrett Trotter at quarterback, don’t be. As reader Tom S. pointed out to me a few weeks ago, in his six years as a Division I offensive coordinator, Gus Malzahn has had six different starting quarterbacks. Trotter isn’t Cam Newton, and no one expects him to be. But I’ll take Malzahn working with him over anyone else.

So while Auburn won’t be central in this year’s SEC West plotline, like Billy, I expect them to sit back and watch the carnage around them, and take everything in big picture. They’ll probably end up stealing a game or two they shouldn’t.

And come to 2012? They might be the favorites in the West all over again.

Ole Miss and Andrew Dice Clay: If only because of the obvious parallels between Dice and Ed Orgeron. Need I say more?

Vanderbilt and Eric: It’s the same story every year with these two…mediocrity.

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